I suppose it could seem pretty obvious what the term “self sabotage” means. However, sometimes self sabotage is sneaky. There could be ways that you’re holding yourself back or “self sabotaging” that you have no conscious awareness around.

For anyone whose unaware of their self sabotaging ways or for those aware, yet stuck in the grip of their own self destruction; this one’s for you.

My goal is to bring any sort of conscious or unconscious form of self sabotage that you may be engaging in to the surface in order for you to clear it out. Without self sabotaging behaviors in the way you can proceed forward in your life with more ease and clear intention. Within this article you will find perspectives and reflective questions to help you overcome any resistance that’s keeping you from taking positive action toward change.

Let’s define it: What’s self sabotage?

Self sabotage is created by any actions or inaction that’s stunting your progress toward the things you want. Self sabotage is how you hinder your own potential and future success.

Why do you self sabotage?

There can be many reasons why you engage in self sabotage; here’s a few:

Low self-esteem
Insecure attachment styles
Fear of failure, disappointment, commitment
Unhealthy belief systems around relationships, life, love, career, self, etc
Unhealthy coping skills in relationships & life matters

2 Reasons Why You’re Stuck in Self Sabotage

1. Lack of Ownership / Self Responsibility

In a nutshell you stay stuck in self sabotage when avoiding taking ownership or responsibility for your inaction or actions becomes your pattern. Lacking the want or ability to see your part in any obstacle, keeps you stuck in behaviors and habits that hinder your ability to move forward.

With a lack of self ownership leading; you tend to see problems as being outside of yourself. With this perspective, it’s common to point the finger to the fault of external circumstances. It’s the fault of the job, the weather or the other person involved. Basically, the fault of anything tends to be everything else but something that you can potentially own and take responsibility for.

change: Taking a hard look at your life, your circumstances and accepting that there’s responsibility to own in how events and, ultimately, life is unfolding to some degree is a major shift to get beyond self sabotage.

Gaining self responsibility will help us to see our problem areas and allow us to begin to work on accepting and changing our ways.

With self compassion and kindness leading; I invite you to reflect on the ways that you might be lacking or avoiding taking ownership of areas in your life that feel stagnant, unfulfilling or a source of unhappiness.

2. Attachment to Negative Perspectives, Stories or Beliefs

When you’re mentally, emotionally or physically attached to something negative, you tend to unwittingly and consistently behave in ways that cause unhealthy decision making and general unhappiness. In a nutshell, what you’re attached to dictates the ways in which you make choices and decisions about your life.

Any beliefs that you have around not being capable enough, good enough or smart enough will hold you back from going toward what you really want.

Negative beliefs about yourself will keep you stuck in your self sabotaging behaviors. Negative stories about others and the world will do the same. Attachment to anything that is draining your life force energy and holding you back from being your best is something to do some reflection on.

change: Reflecting on the beliefs, stories and perspectives that could be holding you back and working to shift and eliminate negative ways of seeing the world can help you greatly.

*Find my post to help you identify and sort out any limiting beliefs HERE.

Examples of Self Sabotaging Behaviors

lack of self responsibility: waiting for others to present you with the opportunities to achieve happiness or success instead of creating them yourself.
rumination: spending your time picking apart your worries & doubts vs focusing on productive thoughts and actions that can help you toward fulfilling your potential.
resistance: having the inner knowing of what you need to do, yet lacking the motivation or ability to take positive action.
perfectionism: needing things to look or be a specific way; usually the result of setting unrealistic expectations of a goal.
justification: allowing your excuses to prevail over your dreams. Giving your excuses and justifications more energy than taking the necessary action toward what you actually want.
disorganization: we’ve all heard it before: messy house; messy mind. The condition of our external space impacts our mental clarity. Too much stuff or a disorganized space doesn’t create the backdrop for a productive and peaceful living environment. There’s much clarity in organization.
A read to inspire you to declutter HERE.
uprooting; making constant life changes that don’t allow for appropriate follow through toward commitments. The pattern with uprooting is constant change that keeps you from actually settling in anywhere or with anything. The constant coming and going is a barrier to long term success.
fear of failure: holding so much fear around things not working out to the point where you shut ideas down before they have a chance to succeed. Fear around failure can stop you from beginning any process of putting yourself “out there” and trying.
As long as we’re trapped in the confines of fear around failing we’ll have dreams that will remain unborn.

How to Heal: Establish a Microshift Mindset

A microshift mindset helps you learn to slowly introduce and implement new habits, while working toward defining and eliminating ones that no longer serve you. Over time, these “microshifts” create long lasting and impactful change that leads to a better quality of life.

Reminder: Big change often happens little by little

Ultimately, doing the deeper work to change any belief systems, irrational fears, face insecurities or negative associations that keep the root of the issue alive will be “the work” that releases you from your own self destructive ways.

Reflection Questions for Growth and Healing

In what ways might you be engaging in self sabotaging behaviors? look beyond the obvious. What behaviors or actions that at first glance might seem benign, but actually are self sabotaging? Take a moment to reflect.

What beliefs, ways of thinking or actions do you engage in that work against you and keep you limited? look for patterns and ways of being that are mindless and conditioned. (the things you “just do” without thinking.

What do you find yourself complaining about or feeling negative emotions around? look toward areas where there’s feelings of unfulfillment or boredom.

Remember that shifting and changing your ways will bring discomfort. Discomfort is present even with positive growth and change. Therefore, be mindful not read too much into the discomfort that you will feel along your self growth journey.

Instead of pushing uncomfortable emotions away; Breathe through them. Allow them to be with you.

You don’t have to like the presence of discomfort, but learning to tolerate the feeling as it accompanies you on your journey from time to time will help any uncomfortable feelings pass through with more ease and less struggle.

Resources for Further Introspection

The Mountain is You / book

The Mountain is You / workbook

*Above image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.

Blog | Licensed Therapist | Self Discovery | North County San Diego, CA