In this article I’m speaking to the conscious choice to detach from a relationship that we feel is compromising our inner peace and well being. It takes maturity and self awareness to walk away from a relationship where there has been significant emotional investment, yet we’ve deemed the connection is no longer healthy for us to continue.

There’s a big difference between coping with a “heartbreak” vs. coping with a detachment from a relationship where you have to disconnect aspects of yourself that were never healthy to connect in the first place. (this is usually very unconscious)

Meaning, sometimes we attach things like our sense of self worth, our self identity, our sense of safety or stability on a romantic partner or relationship. This is when “losing” them will create an inward panic that disrupts everything and shakes us to the core. A catastrophic response to the ending of a relationship is usually a sign that those aspects of self were placed on the other person.

*If you find yourself in that kind of depth of pain that feels unbearable as you’re detaching from another, it might be due to a codependent dynamic with your partner. For more information, read my post on codependency HERE.

This article will guide you through the kinds of feelings that you will likely experience when a relationship has run it’s course. Emotional detachment can be a positive choice to make and a way to positively cope when a relationship is taking more from you than it’s giving.

The choice to emotionally detach requires courage and self love. It’s a choice that can redirect your life in a positive way.

Needless to say that this decision can also be a very hard and painful one to make.

Generally speaking, detachment is a way for us to create emotional space from another in order to deal with the stress and anxiety that a relationship may bring. Emotional detachment provides the necessary distance for us to establish clear and healthy boundaries for ourselves so we can move forward in a healthy way.

*To preface this post: Emotional detachment as a long term solution to cope with discomfort can become problematic if it becomes an overused coping tool that affects your ability to form healthy relationships with other people. (We’ll go over unhealthy forms of emotional detachment below, so you can identify the difference.)

What It Means to Detach?

Detachment is the practice of seeing things and accepting circumstances as they are instead of assuming and banking on the other person fundamentally changing.

Emotional detachment involves creating both mental and (if you can) physical distance when you’ve decided that another’s behaviors, actions and choices are affecting you negatively.

What it Means to Detach From Someone:

To emotionally detach from someone involves becoming less attached to their behaviors, actions, choices and feelings in order to feel less affected by how they show up in the world. It’s a complete readjustment of the level of emotional investment you have with them and the relationship as a whole.

Emotional detachment involves taking an intentional step back from the relationship in order to shift and realign your emotional energy from them back to you.

Before deep diving more into emotional detachment, it may be helpful to have a basis of understanding around the concept of emotional attachment and how it differs from emotional detachment.

A Brief on Attachment Styles

Secure Attachment

As humans we’re wired for attachment; to be apart of and accepted by the tribe is an innate desire for all of us. Healthy attachment to others is required and healthy for a fulfilled life. It’s the human experience to be in relationship with others.

The attachment style to aim for in order to have healthy relationships is secure attachment. This is where you feel safe, comfortable and feel your needs are being met within a relationship.

Insecure & Avoidant Attachment

The two other primary attachment styles to be aware of are anxious & avoidant attachment. Within anxious attachment we tend to dominantly experience feelings of insecurity, fear of abandonment or betrayal. Within avoidant attachment we often will feel overwhelmed by the other person's needs and wants, which creates a desire to flee and withdraw from the other person.

*There’s a range and mix of these attachment styles that one can be; it’s not a black & white situation. It’s very common to be some what of a mix in terms of our attachment style. The good news is that we can “do the work” to become more securely attached, as that’s always the healthy aim.

*Find more about attachment styles HERE.

10 Signs That Detachment is a Good Idea:

You're noticing a depletion of your mental and emotional energy when your in company with this person.
You feel emotionally reactive to their behavior, actions and expression of thoughts.
You have made attempts to communicate your concerns about the relationship, yet are met with empty promises of change or feel like you’re attempts to shift the relationship dynamic are being dismissed.
When relationships are manipulative, controlling and do not hold well intention for you.
It feels like there's no resolve within the relationship because of fixed mind frames or certain ways of thinking.
When the relationship generally feels more negative than positive.
When you’ve deemed that a connection is bringing out the worst in you and it feels like by staying in the relationship, you’re self worth is being compromised.
Your level of contentment decreases and your anxiety increases around them. Your energy, mind and physical body tend to feel sapped and anxious after spending time with them.
You feel like the character of the other person seems to fundamentally and morally clash with who you are as an individual and what you believe in.
You notice that you don’t like how you show, respond and act when you’re in company with this person. The relationship begins to chip away at how you view yourself.

Healthy Detachment vs. Unhealthy Detachment (Knowing the Difference)

When Emotional Detachment Gets Unhealthy

Emotional detachment entails being disconnected or disengaged from the feelings of other people. This way of being can become unhealthy when it becomes a universal way of how you cope with conflict in your relationships and interferes with your psychological, social, and emotional well-being.

Unhealthy Signs of Emotional Detachment

According to an article by VERYWELLMIND there are a number of signs and symptoms of how emotional detachment can become unhealthy.

These may include:

Ambivalence toward others
Avoiding people, situations, or activities
Difficulty empathizing with others
Difficulty opening up to other people
Feeling disconnected from other people
Losing interest in people and activities
Losing touch with people
Not paying attention to other people
Poor listening skills
Preferring to be alone
Problems forming and maintaining relationships
Problems expressing emotions
Struggling to feel positive emotions
avoiding emotional intimacy, isolating, or having a lack of empathy
withholding emotional expression or an inability or disinterest in gaining understanding of others emotions
avoiding conflict in relationships
withdrawing from people and the general world tin order to reduce anxiety

Healthy Emotional Detachment Involves:

defining clear and respectful boundaries to help you stay true to yourself
placing clear parameters around the relationship in order to protect your energy and allow for healthy space
detaching with love; giving yourself permission to love someone from afar

Detaching With Love

Accepting people as they are, while choosing what’s best for you based on how others are showing up
Acknowledging your own feelings without avoiding feeling them or dismissing them
Continual acknowledgment that your feelings are valid
Doing the self introspective work to expand and honor yourself and those you love

*note from MBG: “Removing someone from your life fully isn't always possible. Sometimes, there are certain relationships where they still have to be a part of your life—at least for the time being until you can change the situation."

If you’re in the mist of detaching from someone that used to play a significant role in your life; it’s so important for you to meet yourself with compassion. This can be a really difficult thing to do; to let go of someone that you love and care about; yet know in your heart is not healthy for you. It can be devastating.

Be gentle with yourself, focus on what your intuition is saying and take the process of emotionally detaching step by step. Remember that we let go as we start building new aspects of ourselves and our lives.

Related Recommended Articles & Reads

Identifying and Overcoming Emotional Detachment

Healthy Detachment: What It Looks & Feels Like

Book: Attached

Book: When You’re Ready This is How You Heal

*Blog Image by Photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.