Here’s some answers in a Q & A format that speaks to how to get over a break up in the most sound and healthy way possible. Let’s just get right into it; shall we?

Is it supposed to feel so “hard” to get over a break up?

There's a range of intensity of how “hard” it could feel and be for someone to move past a breakup. There's so many factors involved; how healthy the relationship was, how intense the relationship was and if there was any enmeshment. Factors such as what attachment style you have, if there were codependent dynamics within the connection; These are some of the things that can make moving on from a breakup more difficult and emotionally layered.

How do I cope with still being “in love” with my ex; Is that normal?

It’s less about judging if it’s so called "normal" to feel that you’re in love with your ex still and it's more about accepting that you feel the way you feel. Whether you’re still in love with your ex partner doesn’t need your brain time; what does need your mental energy is your healing process.

Here’s the situation: You’re currently broken up with your ex. I rather you work toward accepting the current reality of your situation because that’s your gateway toward your healing, no matter how you feel about your break up. Judging your emotions does not allow them to be processed and slows down your healing. I don’t say that in a harsh way; I say that in a truthful, well intended way, so you can learn the skill of accepting and seeing the truth. We can't heal from a truth that we’re also trying to deny or avoid. Accepting the whole cohesive truth around your breakup is what, ultimately, will help you move on in a more healthy way.

That, my friends, is a long winded way of saying: Yes, it is normal to have strong lingering, loving feelings toward an ex. It be very well be your normal, so please do not judge yourself and your process. The non judgement in itself will help you move along with your healing.

*Also if you’re looking to gain more understanding about unrequited love and how to cope, feel free to read HERE.

5 Tips for Getting Over Your Ex

1. Practice Healthy & Balanced Self Care: get good sleep, move your body daily, eat well, (if you drink) be mindful of your intake of alcohol to numb or distract.

2. Allow space for your difficult emotions to be felt, processed and grieved. I have a whole blog post on this topic all ready dialed for you. Read it here: How To Feel Your Emotions)

3. Watch any desire to distract yourself from feeling and ignoring the pain of the breakup; be intentional about your over consumption of anything; too much time with friends, too much Netflix, too much social media, etc. Be aware of anything that you might reach for to distract yourself from feeling your emotions; dating a new person right away, overly scheduling your time to avoid being with your own thoughts, the list goes on.

4. Be intentional about focusing on yourself vs. ruminating about your ex. What is ruminating? Great question for those of you who are unfamiliar with the term. Ruminating is repetitive thinking or dwelling on situations that cause negative feelings in which you keep turning around and around in your head, leading to more and more distress. It’s a really torturous inward place to be. It causes a lot of mental & emotional suffering.

It can be really easy to get hyper focused on your ex partner during a break up, especially when there is any sense of confusion of why it did end. (what are they doing? Who are they hanging out with? Are they sad? Do they miss me? Are they going to move on before me?) If this sounds like your mind; please just stop my dear reader. Just stop because all these thoughts are going to do is make you more and more focused on ways of thinking that are going to led you down a unhealthy thought patterned road. Continued analyzing moments from the past after you have already done your due diligence to get some answers and closure is counter productive for your mental wellness. Do your best to bring yourself back to center by refocusing your energy on yourself and the present moment.

How to do this: When and if you notice your attention continually going toward mind reading about your ex or the relationship and being stuck in "what if" statements; practice guiding yourself back into the present moment.

I know, easier said than done; especially if you have a habit of ruminating and overly focusing on others prior to the breakup. With practice you can get there; just keep recentering yourself back to you.

5. Refrain from judging your feelings and instead, work toward allowing them. I mentioned this in the beginning of this post briefly and it’s such an important point to take in. Don’t pick your emotions apart or make a false timeline of when you think you “should be” done with your grief. Getting over a breakup is about allowing and surrendering to the process that you need to go through in order to heal in a healthy way. We’re not supposed to control that process. We are meant to allow the process. Being intentional about allowing your difficult feelings without your judgement and control will help you to heal.

4 Signs that you're moving forward from your breakup

1. Being able to focus on yourself; your wants, desires and future.

2. Feeling lighter about it all; the heaviness of the breakup begins to dissipate.

3. Regaining a sense of hope about the future.

4. Noticing that there is more ease around your emotional energy going toward healthy, self serving things vs ruminating about the past (the break up, your ex.)

How do you get over an ex you still love?

First off, if this is your current reality, this is a really heart breaking place to be. (my heart sends you much empathy & love; truly) Break ups are hard enough and it just makes it more thick when your loving feelings are still present after the fact.

In short; the answer is that with time things will change because that’s what time does.

In a world where we want fast results and shortcuts to mostly everything, we cannot speed up the process that our emotions need to go through when it comes to matters of the heart. Allowing yourself to accept that strong feelings are still present is a great first step.

Being able to admit that, I am heart broken / I am still in love with my ex / I am devastated that this is over, are really brave, honest and vulnerable things for you to come to terms with and admit. Most importantly to yourself. Being able to sit with the truth; the truth that you love someone who you are no longer with is what needs to be accepted and processed so the emotions can settle and eventually, in your own time, can lift.

How do you stop obsessing over an ex?

Realizing that the obsessive thoughts and inability for you to focus on yourself, is probably more of “the root issue” than the break up itself. Putting all of your emotional energy on another and the pattern of continual rumination and anxious, obsessive thoughts were probably going on, to some degree, prior to the break up. (I’m not saying I’m right on this; I’m just pointing you toward some inward introspection on any self sabotaging behaviors that might have been with you prior to this relationship.)

Serious obsessive thinking and out of control rumination could suggest that there was either some codependency or enmeshment within the relationship dynamic. Meaning; it's not all about this current loss (even though it feels like it is) it actually could be more pointing toward an unhealthy relationship with Self.

Obsessing over an ex is more of a sign that your coping skills and relationship with your authentic self needs some TLC. I always find myself telling clients going through a hard breakup that: "It's not about them (their ex)." Part of a continued disconnect from ourselves is making everything appear to be about something external. The true core work is when we learn to repair the relationship with ourselves. Increase our self love; do the repair work so we don't break into a million pieces when external things don't go as planned. Also, note to self; our inner peace, our happiness, it comes from within.It always will.

How long does it take to get over an ex?

There’s no correct timeframe to put on what an individual needs to look at inwardly in order to become healed & healthy after a break up. Often, how someone responds to a break up is pointing toward how emotionally and mentally healthy they were before the break up. A really intense response to a breakup usually is pointing to other core root issues that the individual is being called to reflect on.

How do you get over your ex fast?

It's a really unhealthy mindset to try to speed up or believe that you could speed up an emotional process that just needs it's own time. There’s no pill to take in order to make your emotions disappear. The only way out is through; and so is true with the processing of our feelings.

Here’s what you could do to help your healing process along: you could take the best care of yourself that you know how to, while eliminating any distractions that side track you from fully healing root issues.

In closing; be gentle with yourself. Give yourself some space to recover my friend. Much love.

*If you enjoyed this post check out my feature on this topic on the MINDBODYGREEN blog HERE.

additional resources for your healing:

DEALING WITH DEPRESSION AFTER YOUR BREAKUP / verywellmind

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO GET OVER A BREAKUP - IT DEPENDS / healthline

My YOUTUBE video on Why You Can't Get Over Your Ex

Blog | Licensed Therapist | Self Discovery | North County San Diego, CA