Practicing healthy detachment in our lives allows us to be free, present and enjoy the journey, even if our lives don’t look how we want ….yet.

When we’re living our lives attached to outcomes; it’s common to be in a place of restlessness or feeling stuck. Being “Attached to the Outcome” by having strict expectations around timelines and details of life being how you want it to be, will leave you in a state of dissatisfaction.

In this state, you will be forever waiting for your life to begin. Beyond making you unhappy, this negative feeling state will limit your possibilities. When you’re stuck in the assumption of how you think things should and ought to happen for you; it’s common to pass on any good opportunity that is right in front of you. When you’re attached, it’s common to not see these opportunities, or if you do see them, you are unable to fully appreciate them and the power of positive shift that they hold. The reality is that many of these unseen opportunities are what would gift you with new relationships and positive life shifts or situations if you could let go, detach and allow what is happening to prevail.

We tell ourselves that when we get the right relationship, career, home, friend group, meet our goal weight, or come to a certain age; then life will feel and be better.

Truth: This could not be more false.

Circumstances and environments can change and it’s true that outward changes can impact the way you think and feel. However; deep rooted, unhealthy mindsets and perspectives need to be shifted from the inside out in order to experience true healthy change. No outward person, place or thing has the power to shift your negative core beliefs about your life and the world. Only you have the power and control to do that. No beautiful face, amazing trip or home in the Hamptons can “fix” the way you feel about your life.

This is actually great news if you can see it so; meaning, the power to change is in your hands; It can be empowering to know that outward circumstances in your life can’t make or break you unless you allow them to do so. (*side note: This is not to devalue the pain and heartache that comes from difficult circumstances.)

My main point here is to help you see that nothing outside of you can “make" you a happy person; it’s up to you to “be” a happy person. This truth can lead you to a place of personal empowerment if you can shift your perspective enough to see it that way.

What is healthy detachment? Healthy detachment is knowing what you want, yet being able to let go of the desired outcome, timeline or how the object of your desire is going to show up in your life, while maintaining happiness in the present moment.

What is healthy detachment in relationships? Healthy detachment in relationships is allowing other people to be responsible for their own choices and actions without trying to fix or save them from their own circumstances. It’s allowing the space for each party to practice self responsibility.

The importance of detaching to unhealthy thoughts: Our mental health will be compromised if we have a habit of attaching to our negative thoughts. An unhealthy habit is to attach to negative thoughts and ruminate about them. Consistently doing that is what breeds depression, anxiety and a slew of other mental health issues. Learning how to allow and feel your emotions without attaching to them in an unhealthy way is a skill and practice that will positively affect your mental health.

As the saying goes; thoughts become things, so allow all your thoughts, while practicing discernment and detachment. Allowing your thoughts to be acknowledged, felt and processed dictates the healthy flow of our emotional world.

In general we detach when we resist less and allow more. Resistance is rigid. Resistance aligns with feeling stuck. It keeps us consumed in our worry and anxiety. It keeps us stuck in our heads. Allowing opens and expands us. It softens us. It helps us see the possibilities beyond the rigid structure of our minds.

What “being attached” means:

Being “attached” means that there’s some sense of your self worth that you’re attaching to a person, place or thing.

By the time you’re attached, you’ve connected your sense of self to something or someone outside of you, which leaves you very vulnerable to outside influence and compromises your sense of self. When your sense of self is attached to outward things and people, you will be on a emotional rollercoaster ride with your level of self worth. This, of course, is very dangerous. The goal is to have healthy connections with people and things outside of you while remaining steady within your sense of self. This helps you remain a healthy minded person as life circumstances change and things come and go. (which they will.)

When we’re attached, we stay in destructive and unhealthy relationships because we don’t have enough self respect or confidence in ourselves to leave. When we’re attached, we stay in jobs or within career paths that suck us dry because we don’t have the confidence that we can and will find something better.

When we’re attached to a person, place or thing the thought space is: “If I lose this, I will not be okay, whole, able to function or move on; so I will stay.”

Obviously, this mindset is fear based and causes great suffering. Holding on to this way of thinking causes us to be rigid in our ways and fixed on an outcome that we have deemed is necessary to be “okay.”

Emotions that appear when you’re Attached:

anxiety
fear
anger
jealousy
hopelessness
sadness
disconnection

Emotions that appear when you’re Detached:

peace of mind
calm
patience
presence
happiness
feelings of freedom

now, let’s chat about Detachment……

3 Tips to Help You Practice Detachment

Be aware of unhealthy narratives and false beliefs that keep you attached. Be aware of your stories (your inner narratives / your false beliefs) that keep you attached. “If they leave I will be nothing.” “If I lose my job; I will lose it all.” Rather than focusing on fears and anxiety, focus on facts. Look at facts (reality) and use your introspection to help you separate what is reality vs. what is fear.
Practice living in the here and now; find flow. When we live in flow we are less attached to how we think things need to happen in order to be healthy happy humans. We embrace the day with a sense of excitement and curiosity of what could be rather than what we feel needs to happen. This helps us to feel really engaged and present with life, which helps us trust life more. When our ability to trust increases, we naturally will feel less inclined to control things.
Do the work. Go to therapy, do your own self study, practice introspection, develop a yoga practice, engage in sound healing, meditate, do breath work, jump in an ice bath; basically involve yourself in anything that helps you to become more present and aware. The more you learn how to calm your mind, your nervous system and your physical body, the more apt you will be to allow, accept and work with what life is serving up.

Q: how do i release attachment to the path that i think i need to take in order to get what i want?

A: surrender the mind made way that you think something can and ought to happen for you. This can be so hard because, as humans, we tend to base what could happen on what actually has happened. Needless to say that this can be limiting.

It’s hard for us to get out of our own box about what we think is possible. A skill to help you detach from the past is to learn how to think more expansively about how something could come into your life; Learning to let go of your planned out, strategic and limited way of thinking is a mindset shift that can help you greatly. It’s a release of control around the “how” you believe that something should come into your life. This surrender is what’s necessary to let go of your control and tight energy, which, is often rooted in fear.

Focusing too much on timelines, engaging in overthinking and self doubt all derail you from being in the healthy, neutral space of sitting with your desires. Having consistent practices to engage in that help you to stay centered are essential. You can’t be an athlete without consistent physical training just as you can’t be mentally healthy and strong without consistent wellness practices that help you maintain a positive mental space.

how do I learn how to get more comfortable with the unknown?

To say it short and sweet; Being able to surrender to what is and allow what is happening vs. fight it, is aligned with getting more comfortable with the unknown.

Take a moment to check in with what your belief is around “the unknown.” Close your eyes and connect into your body and see if you notice any sort of feelings come up when you think about the concept of uncertainty. What does uncertainty feel like in your body? Where do you feel it? If you notice that resistance, fear and anxiety are dominantly surfacing then it makes sense why you would want do everything in your power to control outcomes and rigidly plan ahead.

The truth is that, if you take a step back and reflect on your life, the unknown moments are usually the really special ones. Moments of uncertainty are commonly filled with some sort of magic if we allow them to pan out. This magic can’t come into fruition when things are curated, uber planned or expected. Shifting a fear based perspective to one filled with curiosity and presence can help you greatly. The unexpected is where really special life moments live. The day you were born. The day a really significant person walked into your life. The random day that you took an action that really shifted things for your life. Again, work to see how the unexpected is, often, where excitement lives.

If you can shift your perspective to accept and actually find where the element of surprise lives within the unknown, you will be more equipped to sit and find joy in the feeling state of uncertainty. (Find my blog post to further help you with accepting the concept of uncertainty HERE.)

how do I let go and practice surrender?

Remind yourself that you only have so much control over a situation until it’s beyond you. There’s a point in most situations where your interception can actually be unproductive or in the way, which leads to circumstances falling out of your favor. (I think we’ve all witnessed someone “try too hard” and completely sabotage something they really wanted.)

As I mentioned, you’ll see this with trying too hard. It’s also shows up with overly extending yourself and having poor boundaries to the point where your self respect is being compromised. It’s important to start getting more familiar with the point in life and in particular situations, where your efforts have reached an expiration point. Remember that you can do what you can do and then it’s important to practice releasing and letting go.

As always, I hope my words help to encourage you and calm your fears.

Much love. Thanks for being here with me.

*Above image is by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.

Blog | Licensed Therapist | Self Discovery | North County San Diego, CA