“if you forgive every moment- allow it to be as it is- then there will be no accumulation of resentment that needs to be forgiven at some later time.”

-Eckhart Tolle, Power of Now

Easier said than done, I know, yet doing our best to work through feelings of ill will toward another will keep our minds and bodies clear of emotional residue.

Allowing our negative feelings to build up over time to the point where we’re holding grudges toward others and imprisoned in feelings of anger and resentment can have a severe and negative impact on our lives.

Resentment can change and taint us if left unaddressed. It’s the silent killer of relationships as passive aggressive comments and stewing negative emotions cause us to react in ways we’re not proud of while causing strain in our relationship world.

Resentment can cause us to see through distorted negative lenses, leading us to read others intentions inaccurately, which impacts us from deeply and authentically connecting.

Every time we stew in our frustrations, irritations and general negative emotions without resolve; we become more disconnected from the truth of who we are. As we get further away from our truth; we lose our ability to function in a healthy way and everything gets complicated from there.

To say it boldly and clearly, enough resentment will slowly kill your relationships and chip away at your self worth, essence and presence if it gets deep enough.

Let’s avoid this spiderweb effect; shall we? Let’s get into how to recognize, acknowledge & cope with resentment so we can remain healthy & well despite life’s challenges.

what causes resentment

Resentment can present any time when we feel like we’ve been wronged. This could look like being taken advantage of, not being treated with respect, or not feeling heard or validated.

Resentment can accumulate over little moments and comments that remain unaddressed and build up over time. It can also show up within a singular, defining event or situation where we feel undervalued, mistreated or dismissed.

examples of situations that can cause resentment

Feeling taken advantage of
Being dismissed, ignored, overlooked or devalued
Feeling disrespected
Having unrealistic expectations about others or the world
Maintaining relationships with people who consistently put their needs before yours (without consideration of your needs.)
Being around people who undermine your authority or ability

signs you’re carrying resentment

Feeling anxiety, tense and discomfort when you’re around the person you believe treated you unjustly
Avoiding conflict or interaction with any persons attached to your feelings of resentment
Obsessive overthinking about the person, the incident or interaction that you hold resentment for
Talking negatively to others about the person you have resentment for
Ignoring, avoiding or not admitting the pain around the situation or person causing your resentful feelings.
Distancing yourself emotionally and physically from the person you feel resentment toward

feelings associated with resentment

lethargy, sadness, depleted energy
Disappointment
Anger & frustration
Hostile, bitter or revengeful emotions
Fear
Blame or self-blame
shame or guilt
Feeling unworthy, or generally dismissed and undervalued
Regret

Using resentment to avoid dealing with a person or situation that we hold resentment for can come out in self sabotaging, sneaky ways. Here are some ways that we can use resentment to avoid dealing with conflict directly.

resentment can be used to

Self Protect; protecting yourself from being vulnerable and “being hurt again”
To feel “in control”
Avoid addressing the inward and deeper rooted issues within yourself or with the other person
Avoid difficult conversations and potential conflict
Avoid self responsibility
Avoid dealing with the situation

key steps to address resentment

If you are not a newbie to the world of self development, then you’re familiar with the saying that “awareness is key.” Having the awareness that what you are experiencing is, in fact, resentment, can direct you toward how to work through it.

key steps toward working through resentment

Identify the root cause
Self reflect on the situation that triggered your resentment and work toward understanding what specifically caused you to feel this way.
Acknowledge & allow yourself to feel your emotions
Avoiding feeling difficult emotions is how they can build up and, potentially, turn into a mound of resentment. Don't suppress your feelings. Accept that you’re feeling resentful and allow yourself to experience those emotions fully in order for them to be processed and pass.
(more on how to feel difficult emotions here.)
See it from a different angle
Having an open mind is one of the most beneficial tools that you can cultivate. Being open minded allows you to consider life from different perspectives. This will help you move through difficult situations with an ability to heal and move forward without latching onto unhealthy coping mechanisms or negative perspectives. Always ask yourself if you can try to see the situation from the other person's perspective. This question can help remove any blind spots or offer a different way of seeing a situation that can potentially change your feelings around it.
Remember that you don’t have to agree with someone to dissolve conflict and move forward.
Forgive
Practicing forgiveness of yourself and forgiveness for others is a practice. Forgiveness always, first and foremost, is for you. I know that this is counter intuitive to some, however, releasing yourself from resentment, revengeful and hateful feelings is, ultimately, for you my friend. Although it might be hard to let go of resentment, finding a perspective or lesson in the pain is how you can move toward acceptance. Eventually and in due time, making peace with what happened will increase your sense of general well-being.

Communicate respectfully, directly and openly
It’s amazing what some of us will do to avoid talking about the problem with the person who we have a problem with.
We will spend hours thinking about it, stewing on it, talking to others about it; all actions that can actually brew more resentment. Save hours, months and years from your life by learning about Healthy conflict resolution. Knowing how to address conflict is a key life tool that will benefit you and all of your relationships greatly.
Establish boundaries
Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries when it comes to yourself, your relationships and how you live your life is a game changer. Sometimes we hold resentment toward others because they took advantage of the fact that we didn’t have good boundaries ourselves.
We can spend countless hours pointing the finger at them; or we can look to ourselves and what we can control, which is tightening up our ability to have healthy boundaries.
*Note to self- It’s important to be respectful of ourselves in order to get the respect that we desire from others.
Focus on the now
Nothing good will ever come from dwelling on the past. Usually, an inability to get your mind out of the past is a sign that your current life situation is underwhelming you. Work on shifting your focus to positive aspects of your life now or start making small changes to help move your life forward.
Lead with self compassion. Being resentful as a coping mechanism is not a healthy, long term solution. Holding onto external resentment gets in the way of you having a loving and healthy relationship with yourself. What we put “out there” in this world will always be reflected back to us in some way, shape or form. Having a loving relationship with ourself and leading with that will help us work through and dissolve our resentful emotions.

As with all self development topics; everything is connected. This is why I like to focus on whole body wellness. Resentment not only lives in the mind, it also manifests into physical symptoms overtime within the body.

I’ve seen resentment manifest into chronic illness. I’ve seen it destroy relationships. I’ve seen it kill hope.

My hope is for this post to strategically guide you through some actionable steps to address any negative, deep rooted and painful feelings that you may not know how to cope with so you can healthfully move on.

Thank you for being here. One step at a time. Change often involves doing something small and different, day after day. If you don’t know where to aim; focus on little shifts-one micro shift of change at a time.

*Above image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.

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