I think we’ve all had moments where our responses have been reactive; rather then intentional. This often leads down a rabbit hole of feeling guilt, shame and regret of what was said and so the cycle goes.

I know I can relate to this dance. can you?

This post is my attempt to provide a reflective read in order for you to take a step back, pause, recenter and (re) remind yourself of some essential truths around healthy & effective communication.

I found these communication tips below inspired by Jefferson Fisher to be incredibly powerful and helpful, so I wanted to share the valuable insights with you.

you meaning; my people, my community. yes, you! let’s get into it.

Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know. - lao TZU

These quick and actionable communication tips have the capacity to improve your relationships (including the one with yourself) because speaking in a self respecting and intentional way positively impacts everyone.

A lot of these suggestions are about saying less or nothing at all, as silence is powerful. Speaking with discernment is powerful. Less is often more when it comes to the power of communication.

If all you take from this read is to become more intentional and discerning around when you speak; than I’ve done my work here. Speak when you have something relevant to say and, on the contrary, know when to leave room for silence, for empty space (which can be difficult for many of us to do.)

Some of us find silence uncomfortable. Gaps in conversations awkward, so in order to prevent discomfort we talk. We talk when we have nothing to say because we’ve convinced ourselves that mindless chatter is better than dealing with silence.

This is such a false truth; and potentially repels those in the room that are seeking more depth and connection.

When I was becoming a therapist, one of the first things I was taught, was how to “sit with the silence in the room.” To be with the space. To be mindful not to fill the gaps in communication that happen in a client session. This is an important space for a therapist to hold for their clients. Those gaps that you leave space for are sometimes when really important moments or insights happen, as growth needs space.

Below are 3 basic communication tips to be mindful of for more concise, clear and direct communication:

tip #1 eliminate adjectives: be mindful not to abuse “filler words” such as: just, like, really, actually. This is especially true when we’re publicly speaking or looking to convey an important point. (I need to work on this)

tip #2 be cognizant of your tone and pace of words; remember that clarity exudes confidence. Confidence speaks slowly and clearly; This can be a great tip to remember when you find yourself in a situation where someone is trying to talk over you. You can convey your self respect and hold the attention by slowing your speech, keeping a clear tone and continuing on with your point.

tip #3 how to spot false truths: liars tend to speak fast and answer questions quickly.

When you have nothing to hide it’s more common to take your time while articulating your thoughts. When you’re looking to spot someone’s ability for honesty, note cadence of speech, fast, wordy and fragmented answers, space filling and intentional redirection of the conversation and the topic. This often can be a redirection back toward you.

ex: “where was I today? where were YOU today?”

confidence is quiet ; ego is loud

3 tips for difficult communication:

1. breathe

Especially when you’re feeling defensiveness surfacing: breathe. Before responding, practice calming your nervous system with a deep breath so you are less likely to be reactive and give yourself a moment of recollection to respond with well intention.

here’s how:

pause
leave 5-7 seconds of space
talk with intent by talking slowly and calmly

2. don’t be afraid to ask:

When in the mist of a heated conversation, don’t be afraid to ask:

“did you really mean that?” (did you really mean what you said, did, etc?)

What this does is it gives the other person the chance to think about the hurtful, hateful, potentially offensive thing that they said and gives them the opportunity to respond in a healthier, more conflict resolved way.

This is especially beneficial in relationships where we feel or know that the other person has our best interest at heart. This question has the capacity to clear conflict in a more productive way by providing an “olive branch” for the other to course correct with in the mist of a heated conflict.

3. be truthful & direct with your responses

A sign of emotional maturity is being able to speak the truth clearly and with respect. This does a couple of things:

when you say the truth; you see the truth.
This is so because when you know how to speak honestly and with well intention, it reveals who can and (can’t) match you. People who are uncomfortable with the truth will not be able to sustain a truthful homeostasis, which you eventually will uncover by being and remaining honest on your end. It’s too uncomfortable for them; so saying the truth will help you identify where people stand. Then you get to decide what action you want or need to take in order for you to carry on with your self respect, way of being, etc.
you eliminate a lot of assumptions and false stories when you center on the truth.
Loads of confusion results when someone is “beating around the bush” and not being direct in their communication. This is so because the truth is usually more simple; it’s not noisy. The truth can be hard; but it won’t be chaotic. The truth can cause chaos depending on the reaction of the receiver, however that is not the fault of saying the truth; that’s more indicative of where the other person’s comfort zone lies with the truth.
When in doubt remember: The truth is fact. Fact is stable and steady.

key communication tip:

what to say when you really don’t want to go: (meaning “go” to the event, the party, the dinner, the whatever it is that everything in your body is saying a big, fat inward “NO” toward.)

Here’s an example of a simple dialogue to build around:

I can’t make it. (clear, not wordy, truth, being direct)

Thank you for the invite (expressing gratitude)

Have a good time at (fill in the activity or event.) (expressing kindness)

Declining an invite doesn’t need to cause mental torture. It does not need to leave you feeling guilt ridden. It does not need to be wordy. It is not unkind to have no reason for the decline. You do not need to explain why you “can’t make it.” It’s perfectly okay & mature to say ‘NO” directly, concisely and respectfully. Believe it.

final words:

Working on your communication skills is a practice that will serve you greatly as the quality of your relationships has been researched to be the biggest predictor of a happy, well lived life.

until next time my friends. hungry for more on this topic? see below for some additional resources.

resources: