Oh love.

So complex. Or can it be so simple?

If you’re still on your search toward finding a loving intimate partner I want you to have peace in your heart in knowing that you deserve what you want.

Just for the reminder: THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU just because you haven’t found love, yet.

The desire to have love wasn’t given to you unless it was meant to come into form. My intention for this post is to provide you with some reasons that can shed some light on the current state of your love life. Sometimes we have blocks and defenses up that are so ingrained, which hold us back, preventing us from finding and creating what we desire.

For those of you partnered up, this information still applies, as we are all works in progress and it never hurts to be self aware.

Love is something that we all seem to be seeking, whether we consciously admit it or not. Although, why is it that some of us struggle more than others when it comes to attracting and creating an intimate partnership? There’s no single “answer” to why. We each are so unique and different, although I do want to speak to some general reasons how we can be blocking love without even knowing it.

Very often our blocks to love can be unconscious. My motivation for this post is to bring awareness to such blocks so you can combat them and be on your merry way to a fulfilling relationship.

Our relationship toward the topic of love has a ton to do with our capacity toward true connection, which is directly aligned with how fulfilled we are in life. How we show love, how comfortable we are receiving love and how open we are to love all affects our life. Our relationships, both how strong and truthful they are, act as major factors toward our overall level of happiness. It’s what brings us joy like no external object can.

Therefore, today (Happy Valentine’s day) I’m going to address some blocks to love that we can be carrying around with us whether we’re conscious of it or not. Love can be fluid and flow with ease when we’re operating with an open heart. Although, life has a tendency to present us with emotional hurts that can clog our heart space. If we don’t tend to our wounds, we can become scared and fearful, blocking us to fully experience love.

With that said, here are some common Blocks to Love

Our Childhood Sh*t

As cliche as it is for a therapist to ask you to look back at your childhood, I’m gonna do it. After all, our primary caregivers, whoever they were, our biological parents, a single parent, a relative, etc, was our main teacher when it came to the topic of love. They taught us by example how to express love, feel love, hold the space for love; Everything about love. When I have clients that are blocked in the area of love and relationships, it’s always important to explore the dynamics and messages that were digested when they were young. After all, it’s common for us to drag unhealthy habits from our youth into our adult relationships, especially our intimate ones. It’s just what we do. This is where the problems arise within our romantic connections.

Another question to think about is: Which parent did you desire more love and attention from, your mom or dad?

If we haven’t healed our past wounds, it’s common for us to continue to “try” and get what we never received as kids from our current partner or who we seek to date. It could be beneficial for you to look for any patterns in your romantic relationships and see if they mirror a familiar dynamic that you had with a parent from childhood. For example, if a parent never gave you the attention, time and energy you desired, perhaps you find yourself drawn to unavailable partners who mimic those old and hurtful actions of the past.

We’re Not Fully Healed

There’s a huge difference between healing a past emotional hurt VS. pushing it aside. It’s not very comfortable to sit with an emotional hurt and be patient for it to heal. Just as it wouldn’t be easy to get around with a broken leg. The difference is that a physical aliment gets our attention and makes us stop while an emotional hurt doesn’t. It may get our attention, but it doesn’t force us to stop as a physical injury does. This is the tricky part of emotional wounds, you can’t see them and they can be easily covered up and swept under the rug. After a major emotional hit we can look fine, keep on going through our days, find a partner, even if our heart is still broken. As you might know, whatever is not fully healed will be expressed in some way, shape or form, simply because it’s still there.

We’ve Been Burned Before

Carrying a past hurt around will chip away at our life force. It has the potential to keep us so fearful of rejection and hurt that we stay closed while eliminating our chances for healthy future connections. Until we clear the pain and heal, it will feel really scary to open up again. How can you know if you’re still harboring past hurt? You will most likely have an emotional reaction to topics that trigger memories or past wounds. You will feel the past emotions in your body manifesting as a pit in your stomach, a discomfort in your chest, etc. These physical reactions are clues that there’s still emotional healing to tend too.

We’re Too Uncomfortable To Be Vulnerable

Vulnerability can be so intimidating. It’s also a must if you want to cultivate and create a strong, raw and real love connection. Nothing truly satisfying can be established with a surface level connection, therefore, if you want depth, learning to let down your guard and BE open is a must.

We Like To Be In Control

In order to let someone in and allow a relationship to be deep and spiritual, you have to let go of control. You have to let go enough to allow yourself to “fall” in love, hence you need to let go to fall. When the connection is healthy, find peace in knowing that your loving partner will catch you and can hold the space for your heart. If they can’t or won’t, then that’s not the one for you babe.

On an end note, I wanted to address that this topic is so rich and can be so complex for some of us. Especially if there was deep hurts and wounds from the past. If you noticed emotions coming up for you that can be a sign that there’s lurking inner “stuff” taking up space in your heart.

In order to not leave you hanging, I’m inspired to write another post on how to clear out the blocks and create space for love. Coming up next.

*Above image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.

Blog | Licensed Therapist | Self Discovery | North County San Diego, CA