Boundaries are a major buzz word in the world of self help. It’s one of those words that we’ve probably heard, knowing that we’re “suppose to” have them, but what are good boundaries really?

We’re told to have boundaries, but how to you get them?

Having boundaries is a topic that comes up in some way, shape or form with every client that comes my way. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that our ability to have healthy boundaries correlates with how happy and fulfilled we will feel in our relationships and, ultimately, our lives.

Wherever you are in your relationship with boundaries, I’m going to speak a bit about the topic because I feel it’s a game changer to live a life where your boundaries are clear and strong.

As you increase your boundaries you’ll, consequently, up level your overall feeling of happiness and decrease your stress load. This is so because the side effect of having no boundaries leaves us in a consistent rhythm of running around trying to please others while denying our needs. With that said, we each have our own unique relationship with boundaries and it will benefit us to have more knowing around this hot topic.

So, lets get right to it and start evaluating where we are in terms of our relationship with boundaries.

What Exactly Are Boundaries?

Boundaries represent our ability to honor our needs and wants regardless of others expectations of us. Simply put, it’s saying “No” when someone wants us to say “Yes.” It’s drawing a line when we feel like our healthy needs and wants are being ignored or compromised by another’s request.

How Do We Show Up When We Don’t Have Boundaries?

In short; not good, but since that’s not a helpful-slash-professional answer, let me go further.

We people please
We self sacrifice
We look to please others more than pleasing ourselves
We quickly ditch our needs to tend to others needs
We say “Yes” when we actually mean “No”
We take responsibility for what’s not ours
We are Passive Aggressive (Because we are doing things we don’t really want to do)

So, with that said……

Why Don’t We Have Boundaries?

Meaning, why in the world would we do this to ourselves? Why would we actively choose to run around pleasing everyone but ourselves? Honoring others needs at the expense of denying or rejecting ours?

Why Would We Do This!?

There’s lots of reasons why we might be struggling to have clear boundaries within our lives and relationships. Sometimes it’s because we hate conflict and are scared to say “No.” Sometimes it’s because we never learned about boundaries within our family of origins and got thrown out into the world trying to understand why we often get “taken advantage of” or “walked over.”

Side note: Those of us with none or weak boundaries will be a victim of these behaviors.

Let me make a statement that’s so important to remember, perhaps it can be your new mantra….

Repeat after me:

People respect people who respect themselves.

The reality is, even though we will feel uncomfortable laying down boundaries for ourselves, especially if we haven’t done so in the past, clear and consistent boundaries will improve our lives. Straight up. People might not like our boundaries, but they will respect us more for putting them up. Why? Because having boundaries is telling the world that we honor ourselves.

It’s saying:

“Yo, I care about me and I’m going to say no when something doesn’t feel right because I honor myself.”

Whether the person on the receiving end agrees with your boundaries or not, should not be your point of focus. A healthy point of focus when implementing boundaries is to anchor on the fact that you’re making a self serving choice that’s communicating to others how much you care about you. (Most importantly, it’s communicating to YOU that you care about you.) This, in turn, will teach others how to treat you, as that’s what we’re always doing via our actions. (Whether we’re conscious of it or not.)

Which leads to the second mantra I have for you:

I’m teaching others how to treat me by how I’m treating myself.

Great! So now that we have awareness around what boundaries are and how important it is to cultivate them, below is a list of 5 tips on how to start acquiring boundaries. These can be helpful regardless of where you are within your unique process of boundary setting.

How Do You Get Boundaries If You Have None? (5 Tips)

1. Get In Tune With What You Need

HOW: Taking time for yourself will increase the volume on your inner, intuitive self. As the noise decreases and we give ourselves time and space, we often can come to a place of greater clarity. This clarity will help us to see new perspectives and, ultimately, lead us to grow.

2. Honor Your Needs by Taking Positive Action

HOW: Little choice by little choice is how big change occurs. If you commit to taking small actions consistently, you will notice an overall shift in your life.

3. Watch Overdoing Yourself and the Over Compensation Of Your Time and Energy

HOW: Look for the virtue of reciprocation within your relationships. Healthy relationships have an organic balance to them. It’s not “tit for tat,” it’s just a flow. Watch your old patterns of over giving and eliminate subjecting yourself from taking on more than you can handle. BALANCE is your focal point with this one.

4. Find Coping for the Guilt & Discomfort That Arises As You Honor Your Boundaries

HOW: Remind yourself that establishing and holding your boundaries is how you respect yourself. In the long run, leading with this way of functioning will produce a more positive outcome. (In the short term, it may be gut wrenchingly hard, but please hang in there) Having boundaries is a win/win. As the guilt and discomfort appears with saying “No,” practice sitting with this emotion by allowing it to be there. (Hey guilt, what’s up?) It sounds simple, but it’s a practice that will take some time. As you put attention to this practice, over time, the guilty feelings will weaken and you’ll be able to make healthy choices without so much discomfort.

5. Get Used To Taking Up Space

HOW: Watch your ability to over apologize. Be mindful of your habit of comparing yourself to others with the false story that someone is “better” than you. So untrue my friend. Practice being in a room with an open heart and standing rooted in who you are. Allow your voice to be heard and your words to be expressed. Take up some dang space please. Know that you’re worthy of it.

There can be some relationships that we find more challenging to hold our boundaries with than others. This is common. The truth is that some relationships are going to fall away as we set a healthy framework for ourselves. This can be really hard, although, hang in there because any relationship that prefers you to constantly “do” for them is not a relationship that is going to build you up. Boundaries shine the truth on relationships. The truth can hurt, although it’s better to see it than pretend and deny reality.

People that care about us are going to understand and respect our boundaries/ They may not like them, but they’ll understand and adjust accordingly.

I’m going to say that again: The people who genuinely love us are going to be able to adjust to our new and healthy boundaries. The relationships that aren’t willing to meet you half way will fall away. Trust this process.

Gaining and implementing boundaries within your life is a skill set that will forever benefit you. Honor yourself in this life by having clarity around what your boundaries are and having the courage to stand strong beside them.

*Image by Amy Lynn Bjornson, lifestyle & wedding Photographer.

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Blog | Licensed Therapist | Self Discovery | North County San Diego, CA