Speaking the truth can be tricky. For those of you who have this down, bravo to you. Although, even if you’re a truth speaker, my guess is that there have been and will be situations in life where “the truth” is difficult to speak.

Verbalizing the truth, first to ourself and then to others, requires vulnerability, awareness and courage. A problem arises when we get in the habit of avoiding the truth, which leads to living a life based around something other than what’s real and authentic.

For the record, there might be times when keeping things to ourselves is on the table, however, for the purpose of this article, being transparent and laying out the facts within your relationships is the focus.

After all, we trust people who let us in, are transparent and speak the truth.

Below are reasons why it’s hard to speak the truth, blocks to living in our authenticity and ways we can get through what’s holding us back from being truthful with ourselves and others. When all is said and done, knowing in your heart that you’re living a life that honors you is a reality that will bring peace to your experience, no matter where the truth leads you friend.

Ready? Let’s go…

3 Reasons Why It’s Hard For Us to Speak the Truth

1. We Don’t Speak the Truth because….We Don’t Want to Upset the Other

We hold back from speaking the truth because we don’t want to upset or emotionally inconvenience another. Often, I hear people express how they don’t want to share or give honest feedback because they “don’t want to hurt the feelings” of another.

Truth: Although it sounds very thoughtful and can be coming from an empathic place, more harm can be done when we hold back valid information. Straight up, a person can feel as intense as deceived when we don’t disclose the facts of a matter. A relationship can become disconnected when one party is holding back something that another has no awareness of. There’s always a way to say the truth in a respectful and kind way.

We have a higher chance of damaging a relationship by withholding with the truth. If a person can’t handle the truth or has a bad reaction to it, that’s valuable information for you to witness about the other. We might not like the truth, but sitting with the truth and working through it is essential to having healthy relationships and living happily.

2. We Don’t Speak the Truth because….We Feel Shame About the Truth

There are times when speaking the truth will uncover parts of ourselves that we have shame around. Working through our shame is a personal and unique journey that only we can embark on. If after evaluation you feel that shame is holding you back from being transparent within yourself and your relationships, there are ways for you to work through it so you can feel lighter and more authentic.

Holding onto shame is a heavy energy and, whether it’s conscious or not, unresolved shame will chip away at our sense of self. Unprocessed shame can lead to denial which leads to creating stories and navigating from a false sense of reality. As the cycle goes, when we’re not truthful with ourselves, there’s no chance for us to be truthful to those around us.

Getting beyond anything difficult requires awareness so we can process through our emotions and, ultimately, find acceptance of self. Click HERE for an article that can guide you to work through any shame that you may be carrying.

Truth: When we don’t accept the truth about ourselves, we tend to attract people and circumstances that mirror back our lack of acceptance and disconnection of self. (We are always getting what we give in some way, shape or form.) We also will struggle to let go of our shame if we can’f find acceptance around the event where our shame is rooted from. (This is why working through shame is so important. If the amount of shame feels to grand for you to get through on your own, finding the guidance of an experienced professional is recommended. Shame is no joke and finding someone you work well with and trust is essential to getting beyond it.) Click HERE on my article about how to find the “right” therapist for you.

Truth in regards to shame and relationships: Healthy and loving relationships don’t require us to be perfect. Period. Acceptance and appreciation for who we are is what sets the stage for true connection. We all have areas of insecurity, and perhaps shame. Witnessing how someone accepts us for all that we are is key information for us to decide who to give our energy (and hearts) too.

3. We Don’t Speak the Truth because….We Have Fear Around What Will Result from Speaking the Truth

Many times we hold back the truth because of the imagined result that we believe will happen if we speak it. We’re avoiding a predicted bad outcome or made up end result that we don’t desire when we choose to hold back the truth.

We may think: If I tell “the truth” then…..

“They’ll get mad and never want to speak to me again.”

“Our relationship will change because they’ll see me differently.”

“They won’t love me anymore.”

And so it goes. There’s always a consequence that follows an action and such is true with speaking the truth. Although, whatever results from the truth can leave you with your self respect vs. the damage that dishonesty does to our sense of self.

Truth: Keep in mind that the truth leads to more truth. The truth also always leaves clues. The truth gains momentum as you tell it, such as lies do. Respect for your character is within the truth and at the end of the day, even if someone responds negatively to your truth, you walk away with your self respect from speaking it.

When we believe that we have the power to predict and steer a situation or relationship toward a specific outcome, that’s a sign that we’re controlling the direction of how things pan out. Many spiritual practices point to the concepts of “flow” and “allowing” which creates an organic result. There’s no room for organic flow with actions rooted in control.

Question: Would you rather live a life designed by your control or would you rather be guided by truth by witnessing what life has in store for you? There’s no wrong or right answer here. Ultimately, it’s a choice of how you want to live your life.

To go a bit further, another consequence of holding onto the truth is that whatever we don’t express, we repress. As the founding father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, said: “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”

Unresolved emotional “stuff” doesn’t just disappear, we have to do the work to get through it. Open wounds require care, attention and healing, this so is true for our emotional hits. Intentionally closing up past, unresolved situations is needed to fully move on in a healthy way. The only way to have peace around the past is to do the work so it lies restfully.

We’re carrying around any and all situations that remain unresolved, whether this is conscious or not. Doing “the work” to address unresolved conflicts and closing up past situations that might be lingering is essential to feel lighter and have more clarity within our emotional space. Owning the truth of a matter helps us release any unnecessary emotional baggage that we’re carrying around. Speaking the truth leads to releasing, which leads to clarity and a sense of emotional freedom.

Blocks to the Truth to Look Out For

Regret - I define regret as believing that the present should be different than how it actually is. Regret is painful and causes anxiety. Holding the belief that you’re living a life path that’s “wrong” due to “incorrect” past decisions will leave you completely stagnant and disappointed in your life. Anytime we believe things should not be how they are we’re in resistance to what is. It’s also incredibly almighty, to believe that we KNOW exactly how life should be for us.

Trust friends, trust.

The art of accepting where we are in life, warts and all, is a main pillar toward finding inner peace. This doesn’t mean that we can’t desire and have plans for the future. Nothing is wrong with some solid goals. However, finding peace within the present is what will help you create, with more momentum, what you deeply desire while keeping you content in the now.

Over Doing It - Are you too busy? Do you find yourself chronically over booked, caught up in distraction, going too fast, rushing and battling impatience? If this is you, say “I.”

Be mindful that your chances of becoming out of alignment with what’s important to you is greater when you’re going too quickly. For those of you out there that relate to being constantly busy, it can be helpful for you to do some introspection on your “go go go” pace.

Our chronic “doing” could be a habit that originated by being raised by a busy parent. It could be our relationship and perceived definition of success that keeps us racing around to “accomplish” and “achieve.” Whatever the cause is, it can be important to pause, take a step back and evaluate what’s working “for you” and what actions you’re taking that, literally, are just keeping you spinning.

Denying the Truth to Ourself and Others

When we can’t face the truth ourselves, we can’t possibly bring truth to our relationships. A spiderweb effect will result from the cycle of denying or avoiding the truth. Ultimately, not being truthful to ourselves doesn’t allow room for us to process our emotions, which leads to continued denial. Underneath all of our unresolved emotions is where shame lives and there’s no better way to bring “ick” into your life than with unresolved shame.

Low Self Worth (Leading to Low Self Care)

As silly as it sounds, I’m going to talk about the basics: Your eating, sleeping, exercise regime and water & alcohol intake. I always feel a bit awkward “bringing up the basics” with intelligent and aware clients that are coming to me for issues that don’t appear to be related. The truth is, these basics are setting the stage for how mentally healthy we can be. These “self care” habits can be such an overlooked aspect of our mental health, which can be a main culprit fo our struggles.

I can’t tell you how many times a client presents where the underlying problem is their lack of self care to “the basics” rather than the presenting issue.

I’m gonna say it: We’re only as good as our morning routine and attention to the basics. What that entails are “basics,” such as the amount of sleep we get, what we ingest, how much we move our body and our connection to nature, aka. the circadian rhythm of life. We’re not designed to live a life connected to all things digital. The struggle is that it’s much more difficult these days to detach, which is leading to higher mental health issues.

Give your basic habits a look over so you can do any nips and tucks to any areas of your life that need more attention. You might be surprised what an hour more of sleep (consistently) can do or what more water and exercise can do to shift your physical and mental health.

Now, let’s turn this conversation around and get to where we can take steps to get beyond our blocks.

Ways to Live & Find Your Truth

Healthy & Clear Boundaries

This is a huge topic in and of itself. Check out this blog post on boundaries to help you understand why boundaries are so important and ways to implement them into your life. Click HERE for post.

Commitment to self (Ultimately what self love is) This is such a repeat phrase that I find myself saying so often; “We are always attracting based on where we’re at.” If you half like yourself, you will attract people that half like you too. They will present as wishy washy, love you sometimes and show up when it works out for them. As you become more solid on how you feel about you, your point of attraction will shift accordingly. In a nutshell, the best things come toward us when we’re tapped into and grounded within who we are.

Tap into What Makes You Curious

We’ve all heard it, but let’s say it again, ready go: “Follow what makes you curious.” Go toward what turns your head. Why wouldn’t you? Give yourself the space and allow yourself to do things that don’t make sense to your adult mind. Within this space is where you will find your creative and childlike energy.

Be Mindful of Timeline Pressure by Practicing Patience & Trust

There’s nothing worse than feeling the pressure of a timeline. There’s so much comparison to “The Jones’s” when we’re chasing a self defined timeline that we’re convinced passed us by on mile 4. Practicing the concepts of trust and finding perspectives to help us find acceptance around where we’re at can bring us more peace. Our attitude about where we’re at within our life is everything.

Big Take Away Here: It’s not so much about we’re at in life, it’s more about our attitude about it.

Shift Your Relationship With Uncertainty

This is a biggie. Our relationship to tolerate uncertainty is a huge factor that plays into allowing our truth to prevail. Finding the balance point where the aspects of control and allowing intersect is the sweet spot that is healthy. This means, finding that point within every situation where we put effort toward achieving something, then back off after we’ve done what we can do so life can unfold without our force. This requires trust. This requires our awareness and belief in balance and acceptance of what plays out after we do our part.

Define Your Main Values - As we’re clear on what’s most important to us, we’ll be able to make decisions that align with what’s important to us with more ease and clarity. A resource to help you get clear on your main values is HERE.

I hope that this post inspired you to lead with what’s true blue: The Truth. Cheers friends.

*Above image is by Renata Amazonas, San Diego based photographer.

Blog | Licensed Therapist | Self Discovery | North County San Diego, CA