Getting involved with people who are emotionally unavailable could be a sign, that we’re not available ourselves. Unavailable often attracts unavailable, as like attracts like.

“For the unavailable person, often, “The fantasy of a person is much safer.”

In an attempt to help you gain more awareness around this topic, below find 10 signs that point toward emotional unavailability written by Judith Orloff, a psychiatrist, intuitive healer, and NY Times bestselling author.

10 Signs of Unavailable People

1. They’re married or in a relationship with someone else.

2. They have one foot on the gas pedal, one foot on the brake.

3. They’re emotionally distant, shut down, or can’t deal with conflict.

4. They’re mainly interested in sex, not relating emotionally or spiritually.

5. They’re practicing alcoholics, sex addicts, or substance abusers.

6. They prefer long distant relationships, emails, texting, or don’t introduce you to their friends and family.

7. They’re elusive, sneaky, frequently working or tired, and may disappear for periods.

8. They’re seductive with you but make empty promises — their behavior and words don’t match.

9. They’re narcissistic, only consider themselves, not your needs.

10. They throw you emotional crumbs or enticing hints of their potential to be loving, then withdraw.

When we’re unavailable, a strong magnetic attraction can pull us toward partners who are emotionally distant. Why? Well, because an emotionally distant partner is the perfect pick for someone whose not ready, willing or capable to go to the emotional depths that a healthy, connected relationship requires…… and, drumroll, this is subconsciously exactly what we’re looking for!

Emotional unavailability doesn’t just appear. Chances are, ending up in such a state is due to past hurts and old wounds that have yet to be fully healed. To bring some psychological jargon into this, when we keep attracting unavailable as a clear pattern, we’re still picking partners from a “wounded part of self.” Meaning, the part of us that’s still hurt from past disappointments and experiences is doing the picking.

This keeps the unhealthy cycle going of “I’m hurt. I keep getting hurt. I keep getting disappointed, so I’m going to keep my wall up because that feels more safe.” In a nutshell, this cycle validates our closed off heart space and scratches at our unhealed wounds, putting us in a constant state of self protection.

It reminds me of the phrase “hurt people, hurt people.”

When our “wounded self” is running the show, how healthy can our point of attraction be? The truth is that we’re constantly attracting based on where we’re at.

All in all, we can find ourselves emotionally drained by this dynamic. The constant musical chairs of coping with the consequences of being unavailable (keeping others at a distance, struggling with isolation and loneliness), going toward the unavailable other and ending up disappointed by their ultimate rejection is exhausting. This “push pull” cycle doesn’t allow for a healthy, connective partnership nor a healthy individual for that matter; It’s extremely frustrating.

Let’s talk characteristics of what this all looks like, so you can have a higher level of awareness around what’s going on if you’re starting to identify with aspects of unavailability.

What Partnering with “Unavailable” Can Look Like

Feeling attraction toward and being in partnership with someone whose unavailable can be obvious or not so obvious depending on the unique circumstance. Here’s some situations that might be pointing toward your attraction to unavailable partners:

1. A pattern of dating people who live in different cities, states or even countries.

2. Dating someone whose very consumed in work, hobbies and, generally, their own thing. These individuals tend to be “so busy.”

3. Dating someone who talks a lot about themselves, without asking deeper questions or showing an interest to connect on an intimate level beyond surface level topics.

4. Continual attraction to someone whose not looking for a commitment. (There’s nothing wrong with this. It’s only an issue if you’re looking for a commitment and keep going toward someone whose not.)

4 Behaviors That Keep Us Stuck in a Pattern of Unavailability

Continuing to go Toward Unavailable Partners Due to Picking from an Emotionally Hurt Place

When we’re unaware of our own unavailability, we tend to feel the biggest “fire” for unavailable partners. This is usually due to the lack of commitment that’s possible from such a connection. When we’re unavailable, we can think and feel that we want commitment, however, deep down, we’re terrified of the actual vulnerability and self exposure that true commitment entails. Attraction toward those who are unavailable allows us to keep dreaming and remain in our safe illusion of what “could be” vs. what is (reality). We tend to have the largest fantasies about unavailable individuals as it’s a non threatening partnership to entertain for our “fantasy” won’t be challenged.

Our feelings of longing and desire for the unavailable can pose an inner confusion because we can genuinely “feel” like we want to be in partnership. However, when it comes down to it, if a connection gets too close for comfort we scramble. (This could be very subconscious.)

We can even show up physically, but be energetically shut off, which will be felt by the other. If this state is not worked through, it can deteriorate a connection. Overall, keep your eye out for a pattern of growing feelings for partners whom are not available. Your increased awareness is what can turn this pattern around.

Confusing Extreme Attraction to Real Potential

Let me say it straight: Extreme attraction doesn’t mean real potential. Don’t get me wrong, it can. Although, it’s not black and white, as no relationship is. Sometimes extreme attraction can mean “red flag” (turn away) because the intensity of the attraction is stemming from our inner wounded self. (I know there’s a lot to unpack with that statement, which might be a whole other blog post, but bare with me.)

Bottom line, it takes a hot minute to really get to know another. It takes time to witness how a potential partner handles not only daily stresses, but life stresses, which will only be unveiled with time. Loss, death, hardships, physical aliments, injures, family problems; these things sometimes take years to show up within a partnership. It’s within the small and big things where someone is truly showing you who they are, which can be different from who they’re telling you they are. (Important distinction friends.)

Continuing to Date Someone Who Has Verbalized That They Don’t Want Commitment

Let me preface this by saying, if you don’t want commitment, there’s nothing wrong with spending time with someone whose not looking for it either. Sounds like you’re in the clear if that’s your situation.

I know this sounds really basic, but you might be surprised how often I have clients that find the most creative ways to validate how someone will or might eventually come on board with commitment. There are so many things I have to say about this, but let’s highlight just two main points, shall we?

“When someone shows you (or flat out tells you) who they are, believe them the first time.” -Oprah

A person is showing you who they are in two main ways: With their words and with their actions. This is a nugget of truth that is so incredibly helpful to pay attention to within all your relationships. Whether someone is saying they want to be with you, yet not acting like it or being honest with that they’re not looking for a partnership, believe them. (and “believe them the first time.”) Compliments of Oprah, again.

When we want a specific outcome in a relationship, it’s incredible what we will push to the side and ignore in order to keep a connection going that’s not in alignment with our truth.

Getting beyond a pattern of unavailability will require you to operate based on facts vs. a false reality (stories.) Becoming more real with yourself around what the truth of any partnership is, might be disappointing at first, however, in the long run it will save you much time, effort and further hardship. Stay true to the facts.

Getting Caught in the Potential of Someone

How someone is showing up in real time, is the only truth. Anything that we create about ourselves or anybody beyond this moment is just a story. Story, meaning that what we’re telling ourselves about that other is not a fact, it’s made up. Practicing the art of being where you’re at and taking how people are showing up as the current truth will help you to discern what’s right for you.

“Getting caught up in potential” usually involves getting invested in the story of what we would like to see happen for that other in the future. (This can look very different from reality, as life sometimes has a very different plan for us than which we can see.)

We might think: “He’ll end up eventually committing to me because I know that he has a good heart.” “She’ll end up on a stable career path because that’s what makes the most sense for her.” “I can’t imagine him changing his mind about that.”

People change, people grow and people expand…. and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes people will stay true to what they were doing or how they showed up when they came into your life, and sometimes they won’t. Sometimes who someone was when they first crossed your path will look very different years later and sometimes it won’t. Allowing someone to show you who they are and besides trying to convince yourself of a story about what you would like them to do or BE, practice seeing it straight. Practice seeing life and people for who they are now.

As you see things clearly, you then will be able to make decisions around the reality of the matter for how it stands today, in real time. That’s the best that you can do. Making a choice with the current truth on the table.

If any of these words resonated with you and is pointing to the parts of you that are closed and shut off, that’s okay. Things happen in life that sometimes sting so much that the only thing we know to do is to put our walls up. Your awareness of this blockage can now help you to begin lowering your walls and reopening your heart space, so you can have healthy and fulfilling connections. If you want to open your heart, if you want to become more emotionally available you can. Knowing that you want to is half the battle, my friend.

*A great book for you to explore your attachment style is ATTACHED. Discover your specific attachment style as learning more about how you tick is what will help you shift.

*Above image by photographer & creator of honeyandgarden, Renata Amazonas

Blog | Licensed Therapist | Self Discovery | North County San Diego, CA