How To Cope With A Dismissive or Unavailable Parent

Having a parent that’s not emotionally available, absent or dismissive in their ways is a subject that’s a huge source of pain for some of us.

As the story goes, we’re all “supposed to” be born from two incredibly loving and healthy people awaiting our arrival whom take care of all our needs. For those of us where there’s truth in having had this kind of upbringing, where two lovely humans provided a prime example of love, boundaries and optimum health; Good on you. I wish this for all. I truly do.

However, this post is for those of us who came from something different. Having a parent that was/is dismissive, absent or unavailable is a difficult reality to cope with and the effects could be dire. The range in which our needs were devalued or unmet varies, so I’ll be doing my best to speak to this topic generally as it’s depth is vast.

“My hope for this post, if anything, is to be a voice that lets you know that the invalidation from ANYONE doesn’t have ANYTHING to do with YOU not being worthy.”

Invalidation or demeaning behavior from another usually points to the pain that’s being projected on you from the emotionally wounded other that’s NOT YOURS. Remember, hurt people, hurt people. Another’s pain being misplaced and “put on us” is confusing and heavy. Learning to separate what’s your emotional “stuff” and what’s “theirs” will serve you greatly and help you heal. (Specifically for this post I’m referring to a dismissive parent’s unhealed and projected pain which has caused YOU to suffer.)

Let’s get into this topic with a bit of Q & A.

Q: What does a dismissive or unavailable parent look like? (How to identify a dismissive, absent parent)

A dismissive parent can be incredibly non validating, lack empathy and the ability to be child focused. Meaning the parent has an inability, lack of capacity or desire to be involved with their child’s development. This can show up as non-engagement in their child’s activities or disinterest in conversation around topics that have to do with their child’s relationships and interests (unless it benefits the parent to do so.)  

An absent or dismissive parent can bring up feelings of shame; whether they are shaming toward you or whether you begin to shame yourself because of the inner confusion around their absence or condescending ways.

Incredibly complex, hurtful and confusing questions for a developing child or hurt adult could be:

"Why doesn't mom want to spend time with me?"

"Why did dad leave?”

“Why doesn’t mom validate my accomplishments?”

“Why does dad act like he doesn’t care?”

“What’s wrong with me?”

Q: What are the clinical effects in adult life from growing up with a dismissive, neglectful parent?

A lack of a solid sense of self throughout your childhood can very well carry into adulthood if you don't work through the difficult emotions and unmet needs that can present with exposure from a dismissive or absent parent. The chronic feeling of "never feeling good enough” and traits of perfectionism tend to be side effects of growing up with a parent that didn't provide consistent validation and modeling to create a healthy foundation for adulthood. Issues with intimacy and love in adulthood can be a side effect of having a parent who didn't provide an example of healthy love.

Generally speaking symptoms such as holding a lot of shame, a track record of unhealthy romantic relationships, low self esteem, low confidence, inability to self start or go after what we desire due to a poor self concept can be present. There's many side effects that tend to spiderweb into bigger issues when we grew up with a parent who was neglectful and dismissive.

Q: What are actionable steps to take in order to cope with an indifferent/distant/unavailable parent? (How do you handle this type of difficult relationship) 

1. Create boundaries in order to keep yourself healthy. This might mean shorter phone calls and less visits, less overall engagement in order for you to create healthy boundaries and keep yourself mentally and emotionally balanced & stable.

2. Go toward available relationships in your life by attracting people who can hold space for you. (You need to experience how it feels for another to show up fully for you to recorrect old patterns of not receiving healthy amounts of love, consideration, empathy and healthy validation.)

3. Wok through any past or current difficult emotions of shame and hurt with a professional who can help you.

What are coping strategies to heal? (How to overcome the effects and pain that being on the other end of a dismissive parent causes.)

Do your best to create healthy present day relationships in order to help "correct" any sort of lack that you feel from the residual “side effects” of growing up without getting certain needs met. Honoring what was absent in your childhood as an adult (given that you’re in a healthy and stable place to do the tough introspection) is a path toward healing this root issue and the pain associated with it. I often speak to my clients who have come from an unhealthy family system about “corrective relationships.”

Q: What are “corrective relationships?”

A: They’re relationships that provide you with the unmet needs that you didn’t receive from your primary care giver.

Seeking relationships that organically shine a light on your strengths, are consistent, provide validation, are accountable and trustworthy is healing. We all need to be on the other end of relationships like this to form healthy attachment styles. (A great book for more on attachment styles HERE.) By seeking out people who are trustworthy, consistent and able to share and praise your accomplishments, rather than invalidate or ignore your credits, will help you “course correct “ just by being on the other end of them. Exposure to healthy relationships and being in connections that provide nurturing energy and mirroring is like drinking a green smoothie with all the good stuff.

It soothes the soul.

Establishing a strong community in the now will help you to feel respected and will provide a healthy example of what it feels like to be valued and truly loved for who you are. We all deserve and need this in our lives to have a healthy sense of self.

Maintaining a balanced and consistent self care routine where you take care of your needs by getting appropriate sleep, spend your time wisely, exercise regularly, eat well and spend time with people who value you is the foundation toward creating a healthy self concept. We’re all attracting relationships into our lives based on where we’re at, therefore starting with the relationship with ourselves and getting that “on lock” by doing the important self care steps is key.

Also, continuing to work through insecurities, creating better boundaries in your connections and paying attention to any shame that is present from the past that’s keeping you from thriving fully in the present will help you greatly. 

*Depending on the level of pain and shame you hold, you may want to work with a therapist or coach to assist your healing process. If that’s the case for you, check out this post on How to Find The “Right” Therapist HERE. 

*Image by Photographer & Creator of honeyandgarden, Renata Amazonas.