One of my biggest life lessons, thus far, has been around letting go and forgiving. In my mid 20’s I was challenged to learn a new perspective around the concept of forgiveness and letting go in order for the numbness in my heart to melt away.

With that said, I believe that forgiveness is one of the most important skills for us to learn in order to have successful relationships and be a happy person. If you struggle with how to forgive, this one’s for you.

Here’s a Q & A on the topic of forgiveness. (Questions by Crystal Raypole, writer for Healthline)

Q: Why is forgiveness so important? (Primarily for the person forgiving, but also for the one being forgiven.)

When we forgive it’s important to acknowledge that you’re not agreeing that what was done was “okay,” rather you’re deciding to let go of the resentment and hurt that the event caused. Holding on to pain and not forgiving causes stuck emotions and long term issues (both emotional & physical.) Stuck and unresolved emotions will hold you back from fully moving forward with your life. In a nutshell, forgiveness is for you. The act of forgiving allows you to let go of pain so you can move through your life with a lighter heart.

Bottom line: Forgiveness is for you. It’s a release for you. First and foremost, it’s serving for you.

What forgiveness is NOT is ignoring or disregarding what was done.

What’s done is done. What’s happened has happened and your feelings about it are valid. Letting go and forgiving is essential for you to be a healthy, happy human.

As for the person “being forgiven,” of course it can be helpful for them to be forgiven for any actions or behaviors that might have hurt another. Although, most importantly it’s more about them forgiving themself. Even if everyone around them forgives them, it wouldn’t matter if they don’t forgive themself.

So, in both cases this is an inside job and the healing starts within. The outward actions of others (others forgiving us) can help our healing process unfold with more ease, although we're required to do our own inner work in both cases to get the ball rolling.

Q: Is it still possible to forgive someone who has passed away/can't be reached/someone toxic or abusive that you don't feel safe contacting?

Absolutely! This is so important to understand and believe. It’s a major block to think that “the other” (the one who you’re working through forgiving) needs to be present in order to let go and heal.

The truth is, sometimes it’s not possible or safe to go through the process of forgiveness, face to face with another. If you’re on the fence regarding if you want to reach out to a person whom you’re looking to forgive, I would encourage you to first process through your desire to reach out to a person that you had an abusive or toxic past with.

The bottom line is that you don’t need that other party present to forgive and be able to move on with your life in a healthy manner. It can actually cause more damage and hurt to do so if that person is toxic and unwilling to acknowledge the pain that they caused.

As, forgiveness starts and ends with you, please know that you can forgive regardless of what the situation is regarding the other party involved.

Yes friends, you are more powerful than you think.

Q: Is there any guidance you might have for someone trying to decide whether they're "ready" to forgive someone?

Feeling betrayed and/or experiencing a situation where you’re struggling with forgiving another is super painful. Please give yourself the time that you need to process through your emotions. Do your best to stay in tune with what you need to do vs. what others want you to do.

For example, “You should forgive so and so. I mean, they feel so badly about what they did.”

Remind yourself that your intention is not to “punish” another by not forgiving them (you might need to work through this.) A healthy intention around forgiving another is to respect your boundaries by taking the time to process what happened, so when you forgive you’re ready and able to honestly reflect your inner truth to another. Again, forgiving is for you, not them.

Q: What can happen if you try to force forgiveness before you're ready?

Forcing yourself to do anything that’s not authentic to you creates a misalignment with your inner truth. Think of it this way: You’re not treating yourself with respect nor honoring yourself when you’re making choices based on “shoulds.” Meaning, “I should” do this” vs. “I really want to do this..”

I know that we have to do some things in life that were not amped on from time to time, although, think about the concept of balance here. It’s important to do things that really feel us up to balance out the “doing” of the responsibilities that we’ve signed up for. The more that we make choices that match how we authentically feel, the stronger the relationship and trust we create within ourselves. At the end of the day, the most important thing we have is the relationship that we hold with ourselves. Everything, and I mean everything, is a result of this inner relationship that will be reflected in how our outer world looks and feels.

In a nutshell, if you’re not ready to forgive, take some time to sift through your emotions.

Trying to forgive someone immaturely will not result in the best outcome because your emotions are simply not ready.

Be patient with yourself and take the time to honor what you’re feeling.

Q : Does forgiveness have a "process," so to speak?

I believe that everybody’s emotional journey with forgiveness is unique to them, although there can be some highlighted emotions present when it comes to forgiving another.

Generally speaking, feelings such as anger, sadness, pain, regret and confusion are some key players when it comes to forgiveness. However, whatever range of emotions you’re experiencing within your unique situation are “right,” so to speak. Allowing yourself to feel your emotions, especially the uncomfortable ones, (I know it’s so hard) is key to giving them the space they need so they can pass through. I cannot emphasize this enough.

Q : Are there any steps to take in order to prepare for the forgiveness process?

Yes, think about making it a lifestyle to work on your level of self growth and mental health.

The healthier we are emotionally and mentally is the prep that we can always be doing as humans so when the hard stuff comes along, we’re better equipped to deal with it.

Think of it in terms of physical health. When we’re strong and healthy, generally, we’re going to be able to recover from a physical illness with less consequence and with more ease.

The more tools that you have in your pocket, such as positive perspectives, healthy choices and a strong support system, the better you’ll be in terms of coping with difficult emotions that the process of forgiveness brings up.

I hope that helps. Forgiveness can be a rough process to sift through, although I’m hoping that these words have provided some sort of road map for you to start the journey.

Above image is by photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.

Here’s a video to go over the topic a bit more. Feel free to subscribe to my YOUTUBE channel if you like what you’re hearing.

Blog | Licensed Therapist | Self Discovery | North County San Diego, CA