Shame can be held in our bodies and leads us to think things, do things, say things and react in certain ways that can cause a lot of destruction in our lives. For this reason, I really wanted to unpack the emotion of shame in order for you to be able to identify any shame that you might be holding that could be causing potential damage to your life.

In this post I will clearly define what shame is, what it looks like, how it shows up and ways to heal.

Let’s begin; shall we?

what is shame: shame is a feeling of inadequacy created by internalized negative self-beliefs.

Shame is a negative emotion that can significantly affect both our mental & physical health, our relationships and the general way we feel about ourself. Shame can be experienced through feelings of embarrassment, a sense of inadequacy, negative self-evaluation or humiliation.  

Shame often presents when we feel we’ve done something “wrong.”

We can feel shame even when, factually, we’ve done nothing to feel shameful about. 

Shame can be triggered by personal insecurities, mistakes, secrets or perceived flaws. When we experience shame we can feel a sense of utter worthlessness.

Shame can lead us toward unhealthy coping behaviors such as telling lies and becoming secretive due to the uncomfortable feelings that arise when shame presents. 

Shame, very often, can be unconscious. Meaning we could be walking around with shame affecting the choices that we make about our lives and how we interact in our relationships without knowing it. Taking the time to deep dive into the self reflective work that can help the unconscious become conscious is the work that can bring awareness to shameful feelings that you might be holding within. 

what holding on to shame looks like:

• Low self-esteem: Shame can cause you to feel like you're not good enough and can cause a lack of self trust to develop.

• Developing perfectionism: shame can lead you toward having unrealistic expectations of self or even to perfectionism. Perfectionism becomes our false attempt to cover up our feelings of unworthiness and “not good enough,” which often present with shame.

• Depression and anxiety: The heavy emotions of shame can lead to depression and anxiety. 

• Unhealthy coping mechanisms: Shame can lead to substance abuse, eating disorders, and self-harm. These ways of coping are all attempts to numb out the negative & uncomfortable emotions that shame triggers.

• Social anxiety: Shame can make you feel hyper-sensitive and socially anxious. 

• Feeling Isolated: Shame can cause you to isolate from others and make you want to self escape.

• Relationship problems: Shame can lead to judgmental reactions, angry feelings and passive aggressive behaviors in relationships, which will impact them negatively and cause strain over time.

• Anger / Defensive reactions: Shame can cause you to react defensively when criticized, often as a way to mask your shame. 

• Physical responses: Shame can cause physical responses like flushing (red face) can occur as a physical response to strong emotions like embarrassment, anger, or anxiety.) Shame also shows up in the body by affecting posture and eye contact; indirect eye contact and a slumped body position (lowered head.)

• Feeling overwhelmed: Shame can make you feel overwhelmed and hopeless. 

• Inability to change: Shame can make you lack the motivation for positive change.

some signs that you might be holding shame include: 

• Feeling inadequate: You might feel like you're not good enough, or that you have little impact. 

• Feeling self-conscious: You might be embarrassed, self-critical, or worry about what others think of you. 

• Want to isolate: You might feel like an outsider, or that you're different or left out. 

• Avoiding social contact: You might want to withdraw, hide, or have the “desire to disappear.” 

• Physical signs: You might slump your shoulders, lower your head, or avoid eye contact. 

• Hesitant speech: You might speak in a hesitant pattern. 

• Feeling hate or disgust: You might feel hate or disgust towards yourself. 

• Feeling often sensitive, unappreciated, rejected, or inadequate.

• Always believing what others say: When you lack self trust, you tend to believe others over you. This further creates self doubt, insecurity and feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.

on healing shame

Please know that healing shame is VERY possible and will result with you having a healthier relationship with yourself. Ultimately, heightening your sense of self awareness is what’s going to be the catalyst to unlock all the other important aspects of healing.

Here are 3 main ways to overcome shame & heal your relationship with self:

1. Building Self Compassion / Self Love / Self Acceptance

As you practice how to be more patient with yourself, overtime you will become less self critical, which will help you reduce unrealistic expectations. Practicing mindfulness can help you increase your general level of self compassion. Practicing self-compassion generally helps you remember that you did your best with the skills and circumstances you had at the time. 

2. Building Confidence / Self Esteem

Building your sense of self requires you to challenge the negative thoughts that shame has planted. Challenging negative thoughts by redirecting your mind toward “better feeling” thoughts will, over time help you shift the way you think about yourself.

Building confidence and self esteem also requires action. When you engage in things that bring you purpose and start accomplishing “little wins,” you begin to rebuild your sense of self. Spending your time doing things that help you grow, expand and learn will help remind you that you’re capable, valuable & worthy. This begins to repair your sense of self trust and sense of self.

3. Learning to Allow Support From Others

Shame can make us want to isolate and suffer alone. As we’ve all heard: “It takes a village.” Meaning none of us can do this life on our own. Especially when we’re talking about healing from a dark, shame based space. We need the positive support, love and connection from others to be healthy individuals.

Sometimes there’s a specific situation(s) that we’re holding shame about. In that case it’s important to address these points in order to begin the healing process.

5 ways to heal shame created from a specific situation(s):

• Facing the situation directly: Identifying the source of your shame is necessary for healing. Reflecting on the experiences or beliefs that may be triggering your shame and processing through those feelings is what begins the healing journey. (This might require professional help based on the level of shame that you hold. If that’s the case here’s a post on how to find the “right” mental health therapist for you.)

  *Some types of therapy that may help you work through feelings of shame include cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). 

• Taking ownership of your part in the situation : a sense of self responsibility is required for you to be able to own and heal from the experiences that have occurred in your life.

• Deconstructing the shame: By identifying the origins of your shame, you can separate from it and reexamine it. 

• Practicing Acceptance: You can’t heal what you don’t see or what you don’t choose to accept. Practicing acceptance is what will help you to let go of the past and move forward.

• Forgiving yourself: Forgiving yourself and asking for forgiveness from others can help heal feelings of shame. 

I hope this was helpful for you and, most importantly, I hope for you to see yourself for who you truly are, free from the tainted lens of shame.

much love,

Kim

*Above image by photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.