Letting go of a certain someone, a dream unborn or the path we didn’t choose is a necessary step in order for us to fully move on to the next chapter.

Clearing any sort of unresolved emotions of the past, such as regret, and finding more resolve around what was or what could have been will help us be able to put our focus and energy toward what could be.

Finding peace around “what is” based on what happened in our past or what never had a chance to work out is what some of us have to figure out how to do in order to move forward. Quieting any regret and coming to a more neutral and accepting place around our past is what will help us to let go.

for some of us; this can feel like an impossible thing to do.

a reminder:

Letting go doesn’t mean that we need to like what happened; however, it does mean that we need to find a way to accept what happened.….eventually; in due time.

Letting go is something that we’ll have to do time and time again in this life. Of both little and big things. Letting go is a skill and it’s a skill that you can acquire. 

It’s the skill that will, ultimately, help you move forward and move on.

Personally; I’m continually working on letting go. Learning how to do so has been one of my biggest lessons in this life thus far: how do i let go of him? what didn’t happen for me? the fear of what’s to come?

Can you relate?

The hard part in letting go is when we find ourselves struggling to accept a truth that can feel unbearable, a truth that’s unwanted, hard to swallow and presently indigestible.

how does one do that? how do you accept something that you can’t face?

the first thing we have to do is begin to start facing what feels so hard and go toward where there’s tons of resistance. (Yes, very hard to do, yet it’s the way out.)

We hear it all the time; go toward your fear; face your fear. Hard, yet true.

what do we do when we have no energy to make any move at all toward positive change because: it’s. just. too. hard?

I know in my darkest of days, while clinging to my past, any suggestion toward change or trying something different is met with major resistance. My resistance rejects change. Any helpful suggestions are shut down hard and fast. My stuck mindset creates a “no way out” situation, which leads to me feeling hopeless.

The longer I remain in my resistance and stuck mindset the bigger “the beast” gets. My resistance plays victim in believing that “nobody gets it,” and “nobody can relate.” All of these rigid and negative beliefs perpetuate my feelings of isolation and loneliness; and so it goes.

The cycle will keep going around and around like this if I don’t do anything to shift toward the light. So, how do I shift toward the light?

How does one put a stop to any cycle of mental madness? suffering? the pain of a self imposed prison?

Here’s what i know, which is sometimes a frustrating & hard truth:

I’m the one who needs to make the choice to change.

I’m the only one who can start moving toward a different perspective, practice different thoughts and make different decisions throughout my day. Nobody is going to do it for me. If I want a different feeling state; I have to pick different thoughts. Little by little, different thoughts will help to get my mind / body / soul back into a healthier space in order to do the positive actions that I need to do to get myself out of the dark.

Easier said than done; I know. Bare with me as we now discuss actionable steps to help you toward your light.

To begin this positive shift forward; we first have to address our ability to be vulnerable.

why vulnerability?

Our ability to be vulnerable, feel the discomfort and the pain and allow others that we trust and love to support us through to the other side is an important first step in reconnecting back to our source energy; our authenticity.

The point of this step toward vulnerability is to reconnect us back to a healthy support system. Whether that’s reconnecting with a past support system or reinventing a new one; connecting with good, healthy minded people is a foundational peace to start your new chapter. We all need a community of people to help us through in this life. As the story goes; “it takes a village;” nobody can do this (life) alone successfully.

*Don’t have that community yet? That’s okay; becoming more vulnerable will allow you to attract the “right” people to you. Allowing you to begin to build key relationships to help you expand and grow.

The way forward

How do we move forward when we don’t know how to accept our past?

How do we let go of the regret or pain we carry from painful events, missed opportunities and lost connections?

truth: 

Until we find inner peace around what has already been written; we will feel & be unable to fully let go of what happened in the past; leaving us unable to move on. Working through and allowing ourselves to feel the grief of the buried pain and eliminating the rumination of what was or what didn’t happened for us is the self reflective & inner work that will release us from the past.

5 reasons why you can’t move on

1. Waiting for the Grass to Be Greener

You’re holding off on doing things that would be positive for you to do until you “feel better.” When we’re struggling with moving forward; we tend to struggle emotionally and mentally with factors such as low self worth, depressive symptoms, low energy, low mood, feelings of hopelessness and indecision. As we all know, it’s really challenging to do self serving things when we’re feeling so depleted of life energy. This keeps us in a negative loop of staying in our ground hogs day routine that perpetuates our stagnant reality.

2. Consistent & Loud Self Judgement

We all have an inner voice that’s talking to us all day long. The quality, tone and message of that voice is what’s determining the reality of our lives in so many respects. Having a fixed timeline around where we think we should be in life and should have done in our lives thus far can be keeping us majorly stuck and in anxiety.

It can take a lot of work (depending on where you’re from, where you live and what the messages of those around you are) to find peace around your current reality. It can be all too easy to get caught in the comparison game with the chronic available exposure of everybody’s life. (the scrolling of the highlight reel can really get to us.)

Simple point being that critical self judgement will strip us of joy. 

3. Holding onto the Past via Rumination

One main reasons why we feel unable to let the past go is because we’re stuck in “trying to figure out why” what happened; happened.

It’s crazy making. We can spend countless hours running through situations, again and again, hoping for some kind of clue that will help us find “the answers.” This quest for a particular “answer“ leaves us more intangled in the past. It leaves us further engulfed in what was. Directing our energy to what was instead of what could be is how we remain severely stuck.

what is rumination?

Rumination is a repetitive thought process that involves dwelling on negative feelings, distress, and their causes and consequences. It’s a dangerous loop because often in life we will never be able to “figure out” why things have happened and occurred as they did because sometimes things just don’t make sense.

sometimes, actually often, there’s no particular answer; it just is what it is. This leaves the want to “figure it out” a never ending, unhealthy trap toward major pain and suffering.

Also, there’s often other people’s actions and synergy at play that we cannot decode. It’s not ours. We will never be able to enter the ethers of another’s mind in order to figure out why they chose to say, do or react how they did.

Hear me: when you stop trying to do this; you will find freedom.

Needless to say; rumination and overly thinking about a situation to death is a trap toward unhappiness.

4. Your Self Defeating Story

Oh, the narratives that we hold and tell ourselves on the daily. When I say "narrative,” I’m referring to our story (for worse or better) that we believe to be true about ourselves, the world or a situation.

5. Lacking Positive Belief in Something Bigger

Believing in something bigger and trusting that we’re being supported by something beyond us, helps us to be and remain hopeful.

When we don’t have something bigger for us to believe in, lessening our resistance toward change and, ultimately, letting go is hard to do.

How can we move forward if we don’t have hope?

5 ways to begin healing, move forward & let go

1. Create greener grass now In truth; the grass will get greener as we take the small steps toward doing things differently, now. As we’ve all heard, change is often slow and happens over time. Taking the pressure off of yourself to wait for the right moment when you “feel better” or have more energy might never come around until you take a positive step to give you that in which your waiting for.

The time is now; think about a small step toward different action that you can take today. It doesn’t matter how small it is; I just encourage you to do something different.

2. Work on eliminating self judgement through mindfulness practices, meditation and core personal work

Often, we have to look toward healthy and consistent wellness practices to bring into our lifestyle to get us back to a good rhythm. Just as we couldn’t be physically in shape if we never worked out and engaged in activities to allow our body to be fit; the same is true for our mental wellness muscles.

Find a wellness medium that works for you to engage consistently in and grow & learn from. It could be a podcast, book, deep breathing techniques, meditation, going to therapy, etc. Explore ways that you can work on functioning with less judgement of both yourself and others.

3. Address Your Negative Habit of Rumination

As mentioned above; our habit of rumination is keeping us stuck on the past. In order to move on; learning to redirect and guide your mind toward self serving thoughts rather than obsessing and highly focusing on thoughts that create distress, anxiety and fear is required.

Start with becoming more aware of when you ruminate. Bring in breathe work techniques such as box breathing to help calm your parasympathetic nervous system and help you achieve greater presence.

*If your over thinking and rumination is severe; it might be a good idea to get support from a licensed mental health professional. Find an article to support your search for the right therapist for you HERE.

4.  Eliminate Unhealthy Narratives

Breaking down the narrative(s) that are keeping you stuck in the past and holding you in a purgatory state of life is essential toward moving on.

Combat your false stories of what you believe to be true with fact.

Allow yourself a way out of your self sabotaging stories and resistance by focusing on facts; not your negative false fearful stories or self fulfilling prophecies.

To shift, begin to engage with thoughts that allow you to have “a way out.” Pay attention to how your thoughts make you feel in your body / mind. When a thought feels bad, learn to pay attention and guide yourself to a better feeling thought. Do this practice with intention and awareness. Practice it daily and with time you will notice a difference in your overall feeling state.

5. Trust in Something Bigger Than You

Maybe “something bigger” for you is a religion, a spiritual belief system, the universe, a specific God. Whatever it may be; find something beyond you to ground in and believe in. Having positive belief and faith is a comforting & needed way of thinking in order to move forward. Especially when you’re stuck with no direction on how to proceed forward; hope is mandatory in order to take chances and remain healthy minded.

Also too; don’t forget about the concept of divine timing:

“Divine timing is the idea that everything happens at the right moment; even if it's not what you want or expect. It can manifest as a meaningful coincidence, gut feeling, or challenging obstacle. Divine timing can also be a way for the universe to look out for you, helping you avoid pitfalls or take advantage of opportunities.”

I hope that you feel supported and have some sort of idea for a way out of any unhealthy mindset that’s holding you back from moving on to more fulfilling times.

Looking for more?

*find a similar article on the topic of longing HERE

*Image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.