What this post offers is some basic understanding of what commonly results when we grow up with parent(s) whom lacked the ability to fulfill our emotional needs. Just to clarify: this post is certainly not to point blame on the people that raised you.

No, you’re not broken and nothing is “wrong with you” if you grew up in such a home. Being on the other end of a parent or parents who were emotionally immature puts you, as a child, in situations that are usually “before your time.” Meaning you were exposed to conflicts, reactions and situations that you had to figure out how to make sense of and understand on your own that were beyond your capacity to understand as a child. 

It’s difficult to be young and in a position where you’re trying to make sense of your parents actions that are confusing, don’t feel safe or make you doubt your own sense of self. Such feelings are what often come up for kids who grow up with emotionally immature parents.

Signs of An Emotionally Immature Parent: What it looks like

• they’re rigid and operate with a strict “wrong” and “right”mentality; where (in their minds) they’re usually always right.

• they’re quick to misinterpret communication as a threat or criticism toward them or others, which makes them reactive and defensive.

• they can have the contrast of either being extremely controlling or very uninvolved in their childs life.

• throwing tantrums or having “big reactions” that feel chaotic and uncomfortable to be on the other end of.

• inability to cope with their own emotions in a healthy way.

• things tend to only go smoothly when things are going in their favor.

• their emotional responses tend to lack empathy or rationality (their reactions tend to be “off putting” to a healthy person)

• they tend to “need to be needed”

• inability to meet your emotional needs

• inability to hear or validate your feelings

• tendency to hold grudges (if you “cross them” it’s common for a relationship to be strained without resolve)

• highly critical

Consequences of Emotionally Immature Parents on a Child

Dismal of your feelings as a child leaves you playing small, people pleasing, tolerating unhealthy behaviors in your relationships amongst a slew of other things. Here are some key signs that often result with being on the other end of emotionally immature parenting:

• growing up feeling unworthy of love

• insecure attachment style

• tendency to put your needs last due to the conditioning and dynamic of not feeling heard and loved in a healthy.

• you started acting “like an adult” developmentally earlier than necessary.

• people pleasing behaviors

• overachieving / or emotionally shut down

Consequences As Adults

It’s common for individuals that come from emotionally immature parenting to be very capable, rational and level headed adults due to playing the calming role in their home as kids and having to learn to cope with their own emotions from an early age.

If unhealed, these adults will struggle with the same “wounds” that they developed as kids from being on the other end of immature parenting; low self worth, inability to love themselves, skewed self concept, non-reciprocal relationships and insecure attachment styles in their relationships.

How to heal from the impact of an emotionally immature parent:

See your situation in a level headed and realistic way by focusing on the facts of the situation:

your parent(s) were emotionally immature; it was not your fault. How you were received by your parent(s) did not give or provide you with an accurate projection of yourself, which now could be causing issues in your life and relationships as an adult. You can heal and course correct.

When we don’t get this healthy mirroring that validates our sense of self, it impact us not only as children, but in our adult years as well. (there’s healing in acknowledging, accepting and being able to see your past clearly for what is was.)

Generally speaking your healing process involves gaining your sense of worthiness, self love and validation that you were not taught to give to yourself by your primary caregivers. (As kids we’re dependent on our parents in order to learn these key virtues. It’s important to realize that you are not “blaming” your parents, you are simply seeing the situation for what it was in order to understand it, process it and move forward with your healing.

The healing process will help you to reconnect to the truth and work through false stories that you established about yourself to make sense of the lack of emotional support that you were on the other end of growing up. (or still might be)

It’s important to see and acknowledge the confusion in it all: Why would a parent not say “i love you?” Why would mom or dad never praise me for doing well? Why did my feelings go ignored or invalidated? 

If you have decided that it’s due to being on the other end of a parent that lacked emotional maturity, then your healing process involves working to accept that the answers to the above questions are just that:

Your parent(s) lacked the emotionally capacity to match your needs. It’s important to realize that it had NOTHING to do with you and any lack on your part. 

Since “hurt people hurt people” an emotionally immature parent is usually the product of a parent who also lacked the capacity to fulfill their emotional needs. So the cycle continues unless it’s broken to stop the generational trauma from getting pasted down any further. 

Good news: The cycle can end with you.

One more suggestion for healing: inner child healing (Here’s a post on inner child healing that can be helpful to work through deeper and more difficult feelings around this issue. Find that post HERE)

Lastly, I want to acknowledge that I summed up a very painful and big topic in a small little post. My intention is to bring awareness to this topic and to perhaps what is causing any current feelings of low or lack of self worth. There’s so much more to say about this topic and there’s a lot of information out there to help you with your healing. Feel free to reach out if you would like me to point you toward more resources on this topic.

Much love,

kim 

*Above image by photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.