I spent many of my early years as a therapist working with teens. Some of these teens had labels as “defiant,” “combative” or “difficult.” Many of these teens got kicked out of mainstream high school for “dysfunctional” behavior, struggled with anxiety, depression, learning disorders, wanting to fight everybody, feeling unloved, unliked, bored, mad, sad, angry, annoyed, numbed out, you name it kinda teens. I saw it all.

My point is that many of my teen clients DID NOT want to come to see me; and actually this is where it became interesting for me because I totally understood and respected the resistance. 

If my parents pushed me toward a therapist in my teen years; I would have had the same hands off response to attending a session that I didn’t choose or want to be at. Especially if you already are resisting everything that you are being told that you “should” do by the world and, in particular, your parents.  

I was always able to connect with my teen clients around the values of respect and understanding. I shared that I understood that being in a room with some strange lady that you’re “supposed” to bare your soul to could absolutely feel pretty weird and that I would respect their decision if they chose to forgo my services. We connected at this point. I “got it” and they heard that I, genuinely, was going to respect their wishes and allow them choice.

This is where I would often see a blank, confused stare reflecting back at me because they were so often being told (forced) what to do vs. asked. (questioned)

Isn’t this what we all want at the end of the day? Someone to hear us and refrain from projecting what they think is “right” for us?

I start all my sessions with resistant and disinterested clients with acknowledging two things: 

1.I know that you don’t want to be here and I definitely don’t want you to be here if you don’t want to or feel forced, so here’s the deal; You’re here now, so I’m going to ask if you would give this session a chance because of what you (not your parents) can potentially get out of it. If you stay, it would be because you think it would be helpful for you (again) not your parents.

2. If you don’t feel like you can get anything out of this session and decide it’s not for you, after giving it a chance; I also don’t want to be here with somebody that doesn’t want to be on the other end of me. (mutual respect) I will be the first one to tell your parents that “forcing” you to emotionally open up to somebody when you don’t want to goes against what I feel is appropriate or healthy.

Ultimately, what I’m speaking to is leading with mutual respect. When I have a client on the other end of me, no matter what age or how they are showing up, my commitment to my profession, self and duty to do my job is to do my best to hear them. We all want to be heard. It’s something that we all desire and want as humans. Whether we are far into our adult years or minors; We all want to be treated fairly and respectfully. This will always be true.

I feel like it can be easy to go into automatic pilot mode of handling your resistant teen with control, frustration or anger. (I totally get this because it’s really hard to cope with someone whose chronically not listening and resisting. That’s truth.) It’s really hard not to want to step in and control a situation that is going downhill and there is a time and place where as parents to minors we need to. (Especially when your teen is putting themselves in compromising or dangerous situations. ) However, for the purpose of this post, I’m more speaking to how to resolve some resistance between you and your teen, so lines of communication can reopen and a healthy dynamic between the two of you can be rebuilt.

This is a really hard space to navigate and I will not deny that, yet what I can offer are some tips that have helped me to break the ice and connect with resistant teens through the years.

5 Tips to Connect with Resistant Teens

1. Honor their choice (and make the consequences of their choices known upfront) Make it clear that, ultimately, it’s their decisions (or lack of) that is creating their consequences and reality. Help them to see and learn the valuable skill of taking responsibility for their own actions.

   Teens are almost legal adults. (obvious) I know, I know; I hear it all the time; “but my child is really immature and acts so young.” Exactly my point. Even more so, with this being the case we have to help them learn how to make good choices by allowing them to make and own their own decisions (and perhaps fail) so they can learn to get back up and try another avenue all with closely by their side and with our support. Ultimately, we’re going to help them grow by treating them more like adults, not enabling their immature ways by treating them as incapable. With still parenting them, what could be helpful is to make the consequences of their own choices extremely clear upfront and ahead of time so there is NO confusion. EX. “If you get home past 12AM, you will get your phone taken away for 24 hours.”

2. Hear them out Show them the mutual respect of listening and realize that this doesn’t mean that you have to agree with their choice. It does mean that, to some degree, you have to learn to accept that you can’t force an almost adult to do what you want them to do. If it’s hard for you to avoid getting into a tug of war conversation with your teen, try to practice listening without reacting. Take in the conversation and give yourself time to think about how you could productively respond and handle the situation before you engage in any further dialogue. (you’re modeling, as the parent, how to show up and resolve conflict. If you start listening more; they might too.)

3. Talk to them as equals The strong authoritative approach will usually repel a really resistant teen. I see a lot of parents, well meaning and out of frustration and exhaustion, tap into coping by bringing in a superiority dynamic. Meaning, “I’m going to tell you whats “right” and “wrong,” “you will listen to me or else” approach. This approach usually back fires with a personality that is already pushing against you. (For the record: I’m actually not sure when this approach ever works so well because it’s extremely black & white.)

   It’s interesting to even have to mention this, but I see a lot of “adults” talking down or dumbing down their ability to have a equal exchanged conversation around teens. I get it; We, as adults, are in a different chapter of life, however, in my experience, many kids and teens can read the energy in the room with more clarity than some adults can. They get what’s going on more than you might think. I suppose what I’m saying is to keep your same ability to come off as authentic and real just as you would do with any other human being in front of you. Be real with them; let them know the real consequences of their decisions. Talk to them straight up in an age appropriate way.

4. Lead without your own fear or guilt being projected onto them. They are not you and a similar experience that didn’t workout for you in the past, can actually work for them; give them a chance to explore and see for themselves. Soon to be adults need to know the truth of this world and it’s our job as the adults parenting them to help them cope and deal with the realities of life. Life can be unfair. Life can be hard. Life can be disappointing. It’s important to help our teens learn to cope with these realities before they are officially out there on their own with no compass.

5. Find your healthy balance in supporting your teen I’m referring to that fine balance where you allow your teen the space to grow and prove to themselves that they can do it; balanced with knowing when to jump in and support (not save) when the situation calls for it. This is an art. This requires you to know, trust in and have faith in the capability of your child. (They might need you to have and feel that faith in them to believe it for themselves) I realize that it’s hard to let go when you don’t trust that “they got it,” however realize that if you don’t give them a chance to prove or learn for themselves, this repetitive cycle of picking up their slack and seeing them as incapable will never end. 

I hope you hear me when I say that I know it’s not easy being on the other end of a really resistant personality. It’s exhausting, beyond frustrating and sometimes you feel so incredibly lost in how to cope. In no way shape or form am I saying that there’s an easy “fix” for this situation. What I am trying to offer in this post are some tips and perspectives that resistant teens have responded well too with me as their therapist.

I hope you find this helpful. Below is a quick video from my YOUTUBE channel that offers a communication tip when it comes to parenting a resistant teen.

*Above image is by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.