What’s the tone of your inner voice? Harsh? Mean? Critical? Supportive? Does it lift you up or tear you down? 

The general vibe of our inner voice greatly determines what we go after in life. It can help us thrive or hold us back; Big time. Call the inner murmur whatever you want; The voice in your head. The harsh inner critic. The bad roommate within. Having a supportive team mate in your head that encourages you to take risks and pursue the things that light you up is invaluable.

This post is for those of you who struggle with a negative inner voice. A voice that’s discouraging and depletes you of hope. A voice that chips away at your sense of self and creates doubt for no reason. A voice that’s constantly sending the message that what you’re doing isn’t “good enough.” A voice that always has something to complain about, leaving you chronically exhausted and drained of your life force energy. 

One main key toward quieting your critical inner voice is in understanding where it evolved from. Meaning, if it’s negative and critical, taking some time to ask Why? Why is my inner tone so harsh? Why do I talk to myself so poorly? When you begin to gain understanding of what’s going on, you can then learn the skills to get this voice in check so you can live your life with more peace.

More inner peace will help you create and live to your full potential. 

Here are some steps toward a healthier inner voice.

Step 1/ Educate : Discover the origin of your inner critic and bring self empathy to heal. 

ORIGIN / Why do I talk to myself so critically?

Usually our critical voice is mimicking a voice from the past. Perhaps you had a critical parent, and your inner voice is on repeat based on what you heard growing up. The way that we continuously talk to ourselves becomes apart of our mental blueprint and way of functioning. To say it straight, some of us have embodied the critical voice of a pivotal person from our childhood and created a duplicate version to live upstairs in our head. In this case, what we experienced (how we were spoken to in the past) becomes our normal. We don’t question the negative tone and unkind commentary. We accept it, usually without the awareness of how destructive it is and how much it’s holding us back in the present. Needless to say, a negative inner voice really impacts how we feel about ourselves.

EXERCISE FOR SELF EMPATHY

In order to begin to turn around the harsh inner critic, it’s important to find empathy for yourself. Here’s an exercise to help you tap in.

Find a childhood picture that you connect with in order to reconnect with your younger self. Put your picture up in a location where you’ll see it frequently throughout the day; On your home screen saver, your bathroom mirror, in your wallet, etc.

Find empathy for this younger you that was growing, witnessing and observing life with all that was going on at the time. Including hard moments, confusing moments, criticisms, good times, exciting times, etc. Tap into your “inner child” and “sit with the emotions” coming up.

Step 2/ The Work: Observe, question and practice skills to create a healthier inner critic.

OBSERVE

In your work to quiet your inner critic, I point you toward paying close attention to this voice. I want you to explore where it was born, whose voice it might be, how harsh the tone is, how constant and loud it is, etc. I will provide questions for you to do the exploratory work below. This might require some time and space to document your findings. 

A positive shift of your inner voice is a game changer. It’s like dropping the weight of a bowling ball that you’ve been carrying around for NO reason, but have been holding onto because you’ve never questioned it. (Nuts.) Shifting the tone of your self talk to include more positivity and kindness will help you create more calm and peace within. This positive shift will ripple onto all areas of your life by affecting the energy that you bring to everything you do.

QUESTIONS FOR INTROSPECTION

Who’s voice is talking up there? Mom’s? Dad’s? A critical coach, teacher or relative from the past? (Remember: It’s common for us to mimic the voice of those who we spent significant time with or who left a pivotal impact on us during our childhood.

What’s your inner voice saying to you? 

Is it judgmental? Kind? Shaming? What’s the tone?

How does this voice hold you back?

The Work (4 Steps)

When you get in the habit of becoming more aware of your self criticism and then pair it with understanding and acceptance, we’ve got a winning combo. This acknowledgment of a negative inner voice will allow us to be aware of it and do the things to bring it down from a level 10. Refraining from feeding into the negativity with awareness & acknowledgement will, overtime, help you course correct.

Every time you become aware that your inner critic is rearing, acknowledge the thought and refrain from feeding into the negativity by not giving it energy. “Hello thought, you’re there. ” Just let the thought BE so it can dissipate. Next, refocus your energy on the healthy and fulfilling things that you can think about or put energy into that serve you. If you keep doing this practice, with time, you will have a more peaceful inner headspace. There will be “less noise” up there because you’re constantly clearing your mind of unwanted clutter.

Here’s a mini breakdown of “The Work”

1. Find awareness. (Be able to acknowledge when you’re being unkind to yourself.)

2. Acknowledge the thought (I’m speaking super negative to myself.)

3. Allow the thought to be there without giving “it” your energy. (Hello thought, I see you, however, I’m not going to give you my energy. Goodbye.)

4. Refocus on what you were doing or could be doing for your better good.

5. Commit to this practice. (Create the space in order to have the energy and capacity to keep these skills in practice. This leads to the next point.)

A few more general tips…..

SLOW DOWN

In order to become more aware of your thoughts and have the energy to take positive action by doing “the work,” you might need to slow down. It’s incredible how distorted we can get about what “normal is” in terms of the pace that we’re operating at. It takes time and space to think clearly and do the good things for yourself to be healthy in your mind, body and soul.

Be mindful to make room for the things that tend to go first when we’re stressed. Meaning, I often hear clients tell me that they let go of their “basics” when they’ve had a stressful week. “Basics,” meaning, eating well, getting enough sleep, exercising, asking for support, etc. This will not promote you to do the work that it will take to get your head back into a healthy and happy place. We have to constantly tend to our emotional and physical health to feel good.

PRACTICE SELF COMPASSION

If you feel like you’re having a hard time managing the harsh words of your inner critic, start with doing actions externally to set the tone of kindness. Meaning, if you simply can’t get a hold of what’s going on in your head, do something physically healthy for your body, mind & soul. Go to a yoga class, go surf, go run, go hike, meditate, walk around the block, eat a healthy meal, drink a big glass of water, jump in a body of water, take an art class, journal, learn a new skill, spend time with a friend who fills you up. etc. Do what YOU need to do to feed your body and soul. (Only you know what that is.) Make sure your self care is being tended too. Be consistent with the practices that make you feel good. It’s kind to take good care of yourself. Start there.

GIVE FACTS ENERGY; NOT STORIES 

Often, when we struggle with negative self talk, getting in the habit of focusing on facts, not stories will help you greatly. (This is important in all areas of life. If you follow my content, you’re familiar with me saying, “Focus on Facts.” So much struggle is born when we get caught in assumptions about ourselves or others by swaying from the truth, which are facts.

When you catch yourself tearing yourself down with criticism, find the facts of the matter to see the truth. For example, if you say to yourself, “I’m so dumb,” practice questioning this rigid, over arching statement. Maybe there’s truth that what you just did was not the most intelligent thing; That’s not the problem. The problem is labeling yourself harshly for one act and putting a hard generalization on yourself, which makes you feel bad and tears down your sense of self.

Please give yourself a break from your all or none thinking, which will keep you in a loop of never feeling good enough.

Someone can do something “not so great” AND that doesn’t mean that they’re “not so great.” Separate the action or choice from your sense of self and who you are as a person. This is huge. Generally speaking, refraining from focusing on stories that paint a tainted picture of YOU will help you have higher esteem and feel better.

I hope these practices speak to you and give you a direction on what to do in order to find a more positive tone for your inner critic. One of the most important things you can do in this life is give yourself the respect that you deserve. When you have self respect and self compassion you will attract that same respect back to you. Whether you believe in the WOO WOO world of energetics or not, we’re constantly setting the tone for how much respect we get from life by how we treat ourselves.

Cheers friends. I wish you a clear & calm mind. Thanks for visiting.

*Above image taken in Joshua Tree by Photographer, Ashley WIlliams.